Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2016

It's time to brush off all of the garbage and look through the gold! That's right, I'm counting down the very best of the best, the cream of the crop, of 2016. Remember my previous rules, and know that this time, I will be including two extra honorable mentions. I felt that after all of the bashing and raging, I didn't want 2016 to die out in a whimper. I wanted this year to be remembered for years to come. So, with that out of the way, let's get this show on the road!

Honorable Mentions

Too Good by Drake ft. Rihanna
(this song does not have a music video and I didn't want to encourage piracy so just listen to this song on Spotify or something)

This is a confusing song, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Is it really that great? I don't know. Maybe it's just the overall sound this song is going for.  It's partially inspired by Soca music, a genre originating in Trinidad and Tobago in the 1970s. There's also a bit of R&B in there, but overall it's just plain moody. Seriously, this song is depressing. It's about a failed relationship where neither partner is really satisfying the other in any way, whether sexually or romantically, but they still want to fix everything and make things work out. It's kind of similar to Take Care, a song the pair put out back in 2012 about an equally-troubled relationship. I liked that song quite a bit, so that might be influencing my feelings quite a bit here. Overall, it's a pretty decent song.

i hate u, i love u by Gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien

Never doubt the power of a lousy haircut. This song has been my mortal enemy since I first heard it on Spotify earlier this 2016, mostly because I could never justify why I liked it so much. Pretty much everyone else I ask has said they hate this thing. It's too whiny, too depressing, not performed well at all, etc. I don't know how you feel about that, but I just really like the song. Do I have a good reason for why? No. But hey, I like depressing songs as long as that's what they're going for, and this is definitely an example of that. An honorable mention placement feels oddly prophetic, like it was meant to be ever since I first heard it. This is one prophecy I'm glad came true.

All In My Head (Flex) by Fifth Harmony ft. Fetty Wap

If you haven't realized it yet, I'm not too keen on Fifth Harmony. If I'm going to listen to a pop girl group, I'll just listen to The Spice Girls. This song is, for the most part, the exception. I think it might be Fetty Wap's absolutely magnetic presence on the third verse. He draws you in like nothing else, it's crazy. The members of Fifth Harmony themselves don't give bad performances themselves, each contributing something to the song in question that is at least memorable. I can actually tell them all apart now, for one thing. It's a party song about sex that's actually sort of sexy. Not much to be disappointed about here.

Tiimmy Turner by Desiigner

There's not much to say here. I just really like the production. The key change is probably the most satisfying key change I have heard all year. You really don't have to pay attention to the lyrics, they're sort of an instrument on their own. It's all about the beat, and that alone makes it my favorite straight-up hip hop track of the year (at least among hits).

Perfect by One Direction

 This song notched the very bottom slot of the year-end list, and I'm happy for it. I've heard some say it's a response to Style, a Taylor Swift song that's been rumored to be about her former relationship with Harry Styles, a member of One Direction. If it is, then it certainly shows that Harry handled the situation a lot more gracefully. It's fairly upbeat by failed-relationship-song standards, so it's got that going for it. Otherwise, yeah, not much to say it's a generally pleasant counterpart to the bittersweet Style, go ahead and check it out, this band really started to get tolerable after their second or third album, do not underestimate them.

Don't Let Me Down by the Chainsmokers ft. Daya

This is not my favorite Chainsmokers song, we'll get to that in a bit. Still, it's a fairly decent track. I'm not a huge fan of the first drop, it 's really off-putting and hurts the song a decent bit. However, I really do adore the second drop, it sounds amazing, and Daya's singing is fairly good on this. I enjoy the production on the verses, too, and really, this kind of song is all about the production. They're electronic music producers, not The Neptunes, I tend to have lower standards for these guys. Yeah, it's a flawed song, but overall enjoyable.

Cheap Thrills by Sia ft. Sean Paul

I don't love this song as much as I used to, but I still think it's pretty good. It's about being broke but still loving your life, partying and having a good time. You don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight. Yeah, I'll admit it's basically just a rejected Rihanna track, but I can't imagine this working quite as well if Rihanna performed it. I know a lot of people find this song painfully average, but it's still worth at least a listen.

The List Proper

Number 10: Ride by Twenty One Pilots

If you can't tell, sometimes depressing songs are really fun. Take this reggae-influenced pop rock track by indie favorites Twenty One Pilots, for example. A sleeper hit if there ever was one, this song originally came out in May of 2015 and yet wasn't released to radio until the following year, upon which it became a genuine smash, reaching number 5 on the Hot 100. I'm glad it did, it was one of the better songs off of Blurryface. If you want a happy song, you're not getting it here, look back in 2015 or something. It's a song about how life is terrible, people are terrible to each other, Tyler's terrible to himself, thinking about death is fun, why can't I be happier, oh God life sucks and we've all got crippling depression. Seriously, this thing is depressing. If you want to feel sad, but at the same time listen to some steel drums and synth overload, go on right ahead.

Number 9: Ex's & Oh's by Elle King

Now, I remember first hearing this song several months before it actually got popular, it was on a CD. This is probably the greatest example of a sleeper hit, as it was released in September of 2014, but didn't begin to chart until later the following year, and managed to carry over into 2016, hence why it's here. This is a supremely confident song with an awesome chorus, plus a great performance from Elle King herself. Though I do admit the music video is rather uncomfortbale. It's supposed to be this ironic reversal of "female objectification" in music videos for male performers, but I don't know, it just makes me uneasy. But hey, maybe that's the point and the other way around makes women uncomfortable. Either way, it's still a great song that's always worth a listen.

Number 8: Roses by The Chainsmokers ft. Rozes

Now here's that favorite Chainsmokers song I mentioned. This thing is more about the groove than the lyrics, like that last one I mentioned in the honorable mentions. There's a fairly chilling, futuristic vibe going on here. This is the result of Roses being of the "future bass" genre, one that is traditionally bass-heavy and wavy. That's probably how I'd describe this track, too. It's a weirdly soft, yet epic track with very little meaning, but it's all about the production. If you're gonna make the song all about the production, you'd better have good production, and that's what's going on here.

Number 7: Cold Water by Major Lazer ft. Justin Bieber and MØ

Here comes Super Bieber, in his first appearance on this list. The next one will be fairly soon, so stick around for that. But yeah, Cold Water, what can you say? It's really a lot like how Roses was mostly about the production, only instead of future bass, we're going straight EDM. It's quiet and subtle when it needs to be, but when it has to get loud, it really cranks up the volume. It gets loud, it gets epic, it's a party train that never stops. What, you need substance? It's a love song, there's your substance for ya, throw away your Nirvana CD and shut up. The love aspect works well, but it's really about the party. Party time, excellent, doodly-doodly-doo. You get the gist of it.

Number 6: Starboy by The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk

So, I did not have a lot of hope going into The Weeknd's third major studio album Starboy, mostly because I wasn't a huge fan of the album that came before it. Sure, there were some standout singles, but on the other hand, The Hills was both an overplayed song and an awful one, and there were very few memorable album tracks. When Starboy came out... sure it had many of the same problems. The singles were still good, though. Take the lead single from that album, also called Starboy, for example. If at first you think the lyrics are vapid, shallow, and have a frat boy-like attitude... yeah, that's kind of the point. This and most of the singles off of it have a much edgier attitude than last time around, and that definitely helps. It's about how, despite how extravagant and fun the celebrity lifestyle appears, it also exposes one's inner demons and makes them fragile, prone to breaking. It's basically turned this character into a petty jerk who spends extravantly, is extremely vulnerable, and he's basically a pathetic wreck now. It's a gloriously dark song handled extremely well.

Number 5: Let Me Love You by DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber

One might argue that this does not deserve to be here. Therefore, one would be wrong. This is my highest-scoring song that I have reviewed so far (I'm not counting Get Lucky), and though one song I've reviewed has risen above its previous rank, this is still a glorious piece. We've got DJ Snake being DJ Snake here, and though I do admit he was upstaged by someone else (we'll get to them near the top of the list), he still didn't have a bad year. I don't know if this is even the best song he put out this year, but it's his best hit at least. The verses have an airy, somewhat upbeat vibe despite the key, and I've got to give Justin Bieber plenty of credit for actually projecting some emotion with his infamously personality-less voice. This is definitely the best thing that Bieber has put out this year. It looks like this song's gonna appear on the 2017 year-end list as well, so that's awesome. Overall, DJ Snake provides the good sounds, and my shrine worshiping him has continued to find reason to exist. 

Number 4: In the Night by The Weeknd

On this single from his Beauty Behind the Madness album, The Weeknd sings about his favorite topic: Women doing things that really aren't good for their physical/mental health. In this case, it's stripping and having abusive partners. If you take a shot every time he says the word "she," I bet you'll get sick before you finish the song. Joking aside, I really love this thing. This is definitely the most "pop" The Weeknd has ever gotten, and even after he released his third album, it's still the most "pop" thing he's ever done. For one, it's produced by Max Martin, the most prolific pop producer of the 21st century. Second... well, it's literally just vaguely-80's throwback pop music. There's no walking around it. But sure, I'll take it. The Weeknd really does sound a lot better when he's not trying to do low and crooning, because the dude's voice is so high-pitched it's hard to take him seriously when he does that. Insanely catchy, dark vocals... all elements of a good pop song.

Number 3: Hymn for the Weekend by Coldplay

This is basically the surprise pick for the top 10, and I don't think anyone loves this song as much as I do. It pained me that this wasn't the list-topper, but alas, it was not meant to be. Coldplay had a really good year (heck, Adventure of a Lifetime just narrowly missed the cut for the honorable mentions because I didn't start to appreciate it until very recently), and this is the most notable evidence of that. This is definitely the catchiest, most fun pop song to come out this year. Everything about this feels so... pleasant. The lyrics are all about feeling in love, it's like if booze and drugs didn't shut down your organs and kill you from the inside. All you get are the positive vibes. Love's like drugs, it gets you high. That's basically the gist of the lyrics. The production and performances are all a fun time, a great time to be had. It's fun, it's amazing, and it makes me super-happy whenever I listen to it.

Number 2: I Took a Pill in Ibiza (SeeB Remix) by Mike Posner

Remember this guy, Mike Posner? He had a few hits in 2010-2011 but only the first one, Cooler Than Me, is well-remembered today. After those years he slipped into obscurity, wrote a few songs for Justin Bieber and Maroon 5, and reemerged with his acoustic album At Night, Alone, with this being the only hit off of that album. Nevertheless, it wasn't until the Norwegian production duo (now trio) Seeb got a hold of it that this song really started to take off, and I'm thankful for it. The remix got rid of every negative aspect of the original and amplified all of the good stuff. This is a depressing song where Posner reflects on how he's not famous anymore based on this experience he had on a trip to Ibiza, an island near Spain. Basically, he's at this party that the Swedish music producer Aviici had invited him to, he's super-drunk, and only one person actually recognizes his guy, and the one guy offers him the titular pill. After the pill and the booze wore off, he sobered up and "felt ten years older." The realizations it brought on hit him like a truck, so he wrote this song. It's an absolutely fascinating topic for a song, and it certainly made for a good one. While the original was acoustic folk pop, Seeb's remix is straight house music, which in an odd way made the song more upbeat and at the same time a whole lot sadder. It took me a while to realize how great this song was, but now every time I listen to it I can appreciate all of the great stuff going on here. If you want more of Seeb's material, they've got a really good remix of the above Hymn for the Weekend that's basically just as good as the original. Hell, I'd argue that remix was the only reason that song managed to do so well in the United States in the first place. Seriously, check it out.

Number 1: Into You by Ariana Grande

Near-perfection. Everything about this song is great. Literally everything is worth remembering, worth listening to, it's an instant classic. Though it's not the most fun to jam to, it's not the most meaningful, or even the most interesting, it's easily the most perfect. There is literally nothing wrong here. Nothing. The performance is great. The production is great. The writing is great. It's actually sexy. Like, it's a song about wanting to shag that actually feels like the singer actually wants to shag. That's not a mental vision anyone needs, but hey, still better than "Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on," the single worst metaphor for sex I've ever heard during my pop music listening adventures. There's very little I have to say about this song, just listen for yourself. Seriously, it's great.

This is to the end of 2016. See you guys soon, and have a happy new year.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016

Well, here's the worst of the worst. The top 10 worst hit songs of 2016, plus the dishonorable mentions, will be the subject of this list. I decided to cover the worst songs first so I could end the year on a high note with the best list, and also because most other people also do the worst list first.

Now, there weren't a lot of awful songs this year, mostly just average. That may not sound terrible, but remember that 2015 was one of the best years for pop music in quite a while, with some of the best of 2014 bleeding in and the worst being left behind. I didn't even mind all of the stupid Vine fads making it to the charts, because we've had memes on the charts since Crank That (Soulja Boy) back in 2007. I would have had a lot of trouble coming up with a list of bad songs that year. This year, not so much. I actually had to cut a few songs from the dishonorable mentions so the list wouldn't drag on for too long. So, why don't we take some time to go over these songs. These are the songs I would love to leave in the past. Let's do this.

Dishonorable Mentions

7 Years by Lukas Graham

I don't hate this song as much as a lot of people do. I mean, I don't like it, I find it annoyingly smug and unbearable. Still, I can tell the writers weren't trying to be smug, they were just trying to sound grateful for their opportunities. Would I recommend this band? No. It's still annoyingly smug and unbearable, as are a lot of their songs.

Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes

Here's another guy who can't tell when he's being annoying or not. Shawn Mendes, a well-meaning teen from Toronto, is unable to write to save his life. He gets assistance from former teen pop singer Teddy Geiger to write this track, and it really shows. "I'm just gonna assume you're not happy with this guy and tell you this straight to your face without asking first so I can hopefully make you sleep with me instead of that guy." That's basically it.

The Hills by The Weeknd

This song is basically everything wrong with The Weeknd rolled up into one package. It's got a whiny attitude. It has gratuitous amounts of sex. There's an individual woman who's always doing things she shouldn't be doing. The production is dark and unpleasant. Every bad The Weeknd song has one or more of those elements, and this song is a good example to show people who ask why I used to hate this guy.

Hide Away by Daya

I had to get the obligatory teen pop out of the way some time, so here's this year's breakout teen pop star Daya with her first real success, Hide Away. It's about as banal and lame as it gets. My personal favorite lyric is right in the bridge, where she quite literally says "to be fly as a mother," basically trying to be hip while sounding quite the obvious. At least her follow-up Sit Still, Look Pretty had a good enough message; this is just her whining about how "good boys" go after vapid women and never notice her. 

Wicked by Future

This song never made the top 40 of the weekly Hot 100 this year, and was one of three songs on the Year-End list to do so (the others being Really Really by Kevin Gates and See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth, though the latter was a carry-over from 2015 where it topped the chart). This is an entirely pointless song with very few redeeming qualities and very little effort put into it. The one saving grace is the production, which fits perfectly fine, and the fact that I can't get mad at this like I can the stuff on the top 10. Speaking of that top 10, let's get straight to them.

The List Proper

Number 10: Starving by Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft. Zedd

This song just narrowly made the list, beating out 7 Years to take the number 10 spot. Unlike 7 Years, which was annoying in its egotism, this one is just plain stupid. The verses are played on acoustic guitar for the most part (at least the first ones), so at first it sounds fine. Then Haille Steinfeld opens her mouth. Look, I like Hailee Steinfeld as an actress, but she really should stick to acting. Her breakout success was called Love Myself, and was quite literally about "loving" yourself. This time around, one isn't enough, and she's in love. The lyrics are really awful here, like, a special kind of bad. "Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo." Sure. Not even the production can save it; it's all very generic-sounding and very stupid, much like the rest of this song.

Number 9: Work by Rihanna ft. Drake

2016 could possibly be described as the year that tropical music returned to the mainstream. So much tropical, dancehall, and reggae-inspired music made it on the charts that it started to get rather annoying when the new big single was yet another tropical song. Work came out before that sentiment started to show, but that doesn't make the song any less bad. Despite feeling at least partially authentic (heck, some of the writers are from Jamaica and Rihanna sings part of the song in Jamaican Patois), it all feels very drab. Nothing about this song is fun at all. The production is especially depressing, with no life whatsoever. Both vocalists sound incredibly bored, too, and Drake once again gives a disappointing delivery for a disappointing year. Come on, you two can do better than this.

Number 8: Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

Alright, Suicide Squad comes out and everyone is excited. When you actually go to see it, you realize it's pretty terrible. One thing that's really not good about the movie is the soundtrack. There was no original song on that album that I would consider good; this song isn't even the worst thing on that soundtrack. Once again, this is a production issue. Not only is it drab and depressing, but it isn't even well-made. Every point I made in my review I did from way before the movie even came out stands, so I'm gonna keep this brief. Simply, every conceivable thing about this song sounds wrong, and that's all there is to it. It's not terrible, it's just wrong.

Number 7: One Dance by Drake ft. Wizkid and Kyla

This song here was the biggest success off of Drake's 2016 album Views, and probably the worst of those to make this list. He's going for this dancehall-afrobeat fusion (the album had a lot of dancehall, let's admit that), but it really doesn't work. Kyla's lyrics are actually a sample of her collaboration with the Crazy Cousinz titled Do You Mind, and the sample doesn't work. Wizkid's lyrics sound phoned in and don't work. The writing feels lazy. The production is boring. Drake's performance is as dry as the Serengeti. Nothing here works. It's all a mess, and it was overplayed to hell and back. Just listen to the three singers' other material, don't bother with this.

Number 6: Work From Home by Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla Sign

Ah, yes, Fifth Harmony, the girl group that only wishes they were as good as the Spice Girls. They're here with their second hit, and easily their most successful single to date. Not only does this song say the word "work" far more than the song that's just called Work, but it's also far more annoying. Not one performer on this song gives it their all. The beat is fairly minimalist, at least Starving from earlier on this list had an interesting beat, but much like Starving, the lyrics are purely stupid. Various labor-based metaphors and less-than-clever innuendo. Hey, I like a good doin' it song once in a while, Marvin Gaye was great at that, but at least be clever or, dare I say it, sexy. Ty Dolla Sign doesn't help either, he just falls into the same pitfalls as Fifth Harmony's members do.

Number 5: Sucker for Pain by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa and Imagine Dragons with Ty Dolla Sign and Logic ft. X Ambassadors

Here's the other Suicide Squad soundtrack cut that made the list, and it's definitely the worst of them. It's sort of hip-hop, but they have rock bands perform the chorus, only it's just the one rock band (Imagine Dragons) and the other (X Ambassadors) is only there for a single repeated line on the outro. You could take them out and nothing would be changed, just have the singer of Imagine Dragons perform that part. The rappers are no better. Look, it's Ty Dolla Sign's second appearance on this list. It's not that he's bad, he probably has the best verse here, but he's so forgettable. The first time I listened to this, I couldn't figure out which one Ty Dolla Sign was (he's the first rap verse, by the way). If he's the best verse, then how are the others? Logic tries hard but fails, and the other two rappers don't even try whatsoever. The beat isn't even catchy, this thing doesn't even have memorability going for it. The only thing I can remember are the chorus, the outro and Lil Wayne's "peanut butter and jellyfishes" line. There is almost nothing worthwhile about this.

Number 4: Same Old Love by Selena Gomez

I hate this. I hate this a lot. It isn't even that horrible on a technical level, I just really, really hate it. The same few notes are played over and over and over and over again throughout the song and it's already annoying by the first verse. There's this shrill synth note, maybe a light tap, and those three things are pretty much the only instrumentation you'll hear for most of this. It's some of the worst production I've heard all year. Let's not forget about Selena Gomez herself. No one can quite understand why she's big, they just kind of accept it. I mean, I thought she was alright when she had the Scene backing her, but her solo career has not been noteworthy whatsoever, even producing some songs I actively disliked, this one included. I can appreciate that she's not going for her usual bored monotone, but that's about all I can appreciate here. Just pass.

Number 3: Gold by Kiiara

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my pop music to have a little bit of rhythm to them, a bit of substance. Here, we have by far the most minimalist song on the year-end list, and it isn't even good at that. I've heard a lot of people compare this song to Lorde's output, and yeah, I guess I can kind of see that, but at least with Lorde there was something there. This is worthless, meaningless cardboard. Okay, meaningless is not necessarily true, there's some meaning to this song. There is sort of this combination of hip-hop bragging with being mad at her (former) partner. She's confident. She's so over this guy. She's so over it, she cared enough to make a song about how much she didn't care! Yeah, that's a cliché I'm tired of, claiming you don't care but acting in a way that suggests you do without any hint of irony whatsoever. Yeah, I don't know if the rest of the album this comes from (Low Kii Savage; yes, she really wants to be hip) is any better, but I sincerely hope it is.

Number 2: Pillowtalk by Zayn

Okay, Zayn Malik leaves One Direction and starts a solo career, records an album, and puts this out as the first single. What kind of first impression does that leave? Well, besides the fact that Zayn can't stand on his own as a performer at all and really needed One Direction to help him stand out at all. This song just plain sucks. This is a sex song, plain and simple. Like I said, I like a good sex song. This, however, is not a good sex song. I'd argue this song is even less sexy than Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor's ironically-named collaboration titled Marvin Gaye, one of the absolute worst songs to come out in 2015. This is barely even musical. It's probably the least memorable song to come out this year, other than that I remember it for being terrible. If this wasn't a former One Direction member, I don't think anyone would have bought this. It's pure star appeal. Let's just get to number 1 and finish this up.

Number 1: Me Too by Meghan Trainor

Behold, complete trash. This is the worst hit song- no, the worst song period, of 2016. There is nothing good about this song whatsoever, goddamn it. Every second, ever minute, is total garbage. The production is all over the place. The singing is lousy. The lyrics are obnoxious. Actually, I don't even want to talk about this song anymore. Just listen to the song. It'll tell you everything you need to know.

Well, that was my list. Overall, quite a long list of crap. The dishonorable mentions list would have been longer, but I had very little to say about many of them. The honorable mentions list could possibly be longer, but it will likely take me quite some time to get to the best list. There just wasn't a lot of great songs this year. Still, I will make the list, and I hope you return to read it. Until next time.

Best and Worst Hits of 2016 (Introduction)

The year-end list has finally arrived. As compiled here and here, we have an official list of the 100 biggest, most successful songs of the 2016 chart year, extending from early December of 2015 to late November of 2016. I figured this would be a good time to explain what I'm working on now.

Overall, 2016 has been a weak year for pop music when compared to 2015. Not only are there less good songs, but there have been a lot more meh-worthy songs too. Still, it's not like this year was devoid of either extreme. There was greatness, and there was trash, and I'm going to compile both. Yes, I am going to give the top 10 best and worst of this year, with a few honorable mentions to go around for each. I shall explain my rules for this list in full.

1. I will only be including songs that charted on the year end list for the top 10's. That means that songs such as Juju on That Beat, 24k Magic or Black Beatles will be illegible for this list, but if they make 2017's year-end list they will be eligible for that corresponding list.
2. For (dis)honorable mentions, I may break this rule to talk about a song I really liked or disliked but did not make it onto the list.
3. I will be allowing songs that showed up on the 2015 year-end as long as they also appear on the 2016 year-end. The same will go for 2016 and 2017.
4. The scores I gave in my reviews no longer matter. Those were for how I felt when I wrote them, this list is how I feel right now.
5. That being said, I will not give each song a new score this time around. Too much effort.
6. Since this is a top list, this will be ordered in terms of quality, number 1 being the best/worst and number 10 being least-awful.
7. Honorable mentions will be reserved either for (see rule 2) or a song that just narrowly failed to make the cut by either being not good enough or not bad enough.

With all of that being said, thank you for your patience, and I'll try to get the lists done before January. I'll catch you next time.

Review: Black Beatles (Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane)

The Mannequin Challenge is the opposite of the Macarena

What is the Mannequin Challenge? Well, the Mannequin Challenge is a video-based fad that developed recently in which participants stand completely motionless for a few seconds, usually no longer than one minute, while a song plays. Which song? Usually, it's Black Beatles, the hit single from American hip-hop duo Rae Sremmurd from their second major album SremmLife 2, featuring a verse from fellow American rapper Gucci Mane. Neither have been exceptionally huge mainstream successes, though they do have their fans. Now, thanks to this challenge, this single has reached Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. Does the song really deserve it? I don't know, I'm no expert. Is it any good, at least? Let's find that out for ourselves.

This is your typical trap song with all of the bragging about material possessions the genre usually comes with. I have never quite understood why this is such a popular topic for rappers, especially when they do it on multiple different songs. However, considering how used to the cliché I am at this point, it no longer bothers me the same way it would have two years ago. Still, it's fairly generic. What I'm more interested in is the way this message is actually conveyed; the words.

Rap is interesting in that the way the message is conveyed is often just as important as said message. By Rae Sremmurd standards (which, for many people, are fairly low), this song is actually fairly clever. The main allusion these guys make is calling themselves "black Beatles" because of how successful they are. Swae Lee describes himself as "rockin John Lennon lenses", referring to Lennon's iconic circular-lens glasses which Swae's sunglasses resemble, and Slim Jxmmi (not a typo) declares he's so successful that he and Paul McCartney might as well be related. There are also lyrical allusions to the Beatles songs Day Tripper and Hello Little Girl. Gucci Mane's verse does not have any Beatles allusions, but he has his traditional style going for him. I definitely don't buy that these guys are as big as the Beatles, but it's an interesting listen, nonetheless.

Production on hip-hop songs is rarely a huge concern. You usually don't have to worry about how loud that guitar is, for example, because there's almost never a guitar. It's not too hard to make it sound good. Indeed, the production on this track is solid. Mike Will Made It is no George Martin, but he can piece a decent beat together. This song feels dark, moody, yet totally catchy. It feels as if this beat was made for this song and not just sampled from something unrelated or freestyled over. It's good.

Really, "good" is the best way I could describe this song. Not great, just good. This is easily the best of Rae Sremmurd's top 40 singles, which is not saying much. I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of Rae Sremmurd, but if they put out more stuff like this, then I'm alright with that. I hope you enjoyed this quick little review, got it special for you to tide you over. See you next time.

SCORE: 7/10

Review: Starboy (The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk)

The quality of a man's music occasionally corresponds with the quality of their hairstyle.

Let me introduce to you The Weeknd. The Weeknd, real name Abel Makkonen Tesfaye, is an R&B singer from Toronto who first saw undergorund popularity in 2011 with the release of his first trilogy of mixtapes, as well as an endorsement from fellow Toronto citizen and singer/rapper Drake. Since then, he's released two albums, Kiss Land and Beauty Behind the Madness, the latter being his transition to the mainstream. Now, his third studio album, Starboy, is almost on the way, and with it, an image change. The Weeknd actually has a sensible hairstyle for once. The title track, featuring French production duo and verified cool dudes Daft Punk, was the first single released from the album, and it entered the top 40 instantly. Does this song improve on the legacy of Stupid Hair McGee? Or... was the haircut not enough? Without further ado, let's find out.

Immediately, the production stood out to me. I don't know what it is that catches my fancy, but this song sounds great. We can thank Daft Punk for that; they don't sing, but they are the head producers. It's not the electronic or funk-influenced sound they are famous for, but they obviously know what they are doing. Very few instruments, but the ones that do show up give a very dark, but still pop-sounding song that fits The Weeknd's vocal style far better than most songs off of Beauty Behind the Madness (i.e. The Hills, the most overrated song off of that album).

Then there's The Weeknd himself. Is he any good? Well, I've certainly warmed up to him as a performer over the past two years (when I first heard him on Ariana Grande's Love Me Harder, I was outright baffled), and he's impressed me before. Suffice to say, he's still good on here. Why?

The Weeknd has an innate cockiness in his voice that shows through oftentimes on his own material, but it's very clear he is not sincere. This song is incredibly cocky and vain, but more in an ironic fashion. Thus, the two go together like bread and butter. He's cocky, the song's cocky, he sounds like Jeremih if Jeremih had any talent. It's a great one.

Oh yeah, the actual content of the song. Like I said, it's a very vain track. However, it reeks of The Weeknd's signature irony. It's more a cautionary tale about a man who had it all and it changed him. The success combined with the lifestyle made him fragile, made him weak, and he had to change. He grew arrogant and self-centered, a shell of his former self. It's an interesting concept for a song, and these guys were the perfect trio to make that work.

Overall, it was a great song. Everything about it was just plain great. As always, be sure to check out my other reviews, my Leaguepostings, if you ever feel the need, go ahead and leave a comment. Good night.


SCORE: 8.75/10

Leagueposting: The New Yorick's Rampage

For the record, here is the old Yorick.

Feel old, yet?

 

Now, here is is after last month's rework.

Feel cool, yet?
 

Yep, Yorick, the old fool I wrote about two months ago, is a new man. New lore, too. He's still in command of spirits to ruin your day, but it feels more modern and less clunky now. Considering he was on the free champion rotation for the first time in years, I decided to take a good look at him.

The first game I played with him was in the weekly game mode, Definitely Not Dominion, based on the old Dominion game mode they got rid of back in February. Here, you have to capture points on a map to deal damage to a giant crystal near the enemy spawn. It's a simple game mode, but not a terrible one. So, how did I do?

Well, I won, but I didn't do too well. My KDA ratio was leaning more toward deaths and assists, but since I wasn't terrible, I ended with a B rank. My main strategy was to figure out exactly how this champ worked whilst trying to stop the enemy team from capturing a very specific point. Yorick's ultimate, which spawns an ultra-powerful mist spirit, proved to be useful for this situation, considering how beefy the thing was. Yorick as a whole was fairly beefy, too. I could take quite a beating from the enemy team and it would take me a few seconds before they could take me down.

The second game I played was on the main map, Summoner's Rift. This game... well, that was a whole different story. For one, I ended with an A rank instead of a B. Secondly, the enemy team ended up surrendering. How could this be? Well, allow me to pull my memory out and see how accurate it is.

I went to the top lane, the normal home for beefy fighters and anyone that counters beefy fighters. Yorick fit the former category, so off I went. My lane opponent was Vi, a diving fighter with a lot more speed, but less bulk. Since she was personally one of my favorite champs, I knew how to play against her.

Here's Vi, in case you're curious.

Early on, our exchanges were a bit iffy. I didn't have all of my skills, and we ended up with two kills on each other before I got my main items. Once I obtained the Trinity Force, however, things were totally different. You see, the Trinity Force is an expensive, but still great item to own for certain champions, Vi and Yorick included. With the Trinity Force at my disposal, I had multiple offensive stats beefed up, and my abilities, including my ultimate, were more powerful.

I was a force to be reckoned with. I died three times in twenty five minuets, but at the same time, I had nine kills and a ton of gold for more items. The smaller spirits I summoned helped with that a lot. My strategy would be to summon my spirits with my secondary Q and occasionally my R, wall them in with W, and hit them with E to make the spirits attack them specifically. That, combined with my Q's damage-empowering primary ability and damage-dealing E allowed me to kill tons of enemies without really thinking about it. Another item that helped for those last couple of minutes was the Tiamat, a melee-only item that deals splash damage to minions, thus allowing me to kill minions quickly and get to the enemy base.

Sadly, I did not get to enjoy destroying the enemy base. They surrendered immediately after we took the top lane turret, likely because their support was AFK for most of the game. Still, it counted as a win, I got my A, and it was a good day.

Overall, what did I think of this champion? I loved him! I loved every minute of playing him! A resilient fighter who can raise ghosts from the spirits of dead enemies is a pretty awesome concept, but with the rework they actually managed to make it fun. Congrats, Riot. I can't wait for Warwick to get his rework soon. This has been another episode of Leagueposting, and I'll see you guys next time.

Review: Luv (Tory Lanez)

Sometimes I sit, and I think to myself, "Man, I would really love to be bored right now."

Tory Lanez is a rapper and R&B singer from Brampton, Ontario. He's been releasing mixtapes since 2009, but his first major studio album I Told You came out earlier this year. This song, Luv, is one of the two top-40 hits to come off of that album, the other being Say It. Why am I talking about this song in particular and not the other one? For one, Say It is an ultimately forgettable and drab song. Luv, on the other hand... yes, it's exactly as forgettable. I really do have no reason for picking this other than that it came out later. Let's stop delaying the inevitable and get right to the song

                                                                                     

The Wikipedia page refers to it as dancehall... as if we don't have enough of that already. Seriously, stop it. Something odd about the production is that the backing music track feels incredibly compressed and muffled. It sounds like a low-quality YouTube upload from 2007, and that is far from a compliment. It's harmless, but nothing worth praising.

The same can be said about the rest of the song, to be completely honest with you. Tory Lanez is not a terrible singer, but this song does not fit him at all. You can tell he's trying, but the producers needed tons of filters just to make him sound passable. In fact, I'd say a few of the filters actually made him sound worse than the intended effect.

Lyrically, this song is nothing special. Moving on to the overall.

Overall, this song is incredibly boring, lame, and forgettable. This is going to be a song rightfully forgotten by history, like... I don't know... Sugar Walls by Sheena Easton? It's not even a bad song, it's just completely average, almost mediocre, in every single area, kind of like pop music as a whole this year. Once again, thank you for reading, and remember, not even I know what's coming next.

SCORE: 5/10

Review: Side to Side (Ariana Grande feat. Nicki Minaj)

Never dead, just out of material.

If you can't tell, I've had a bit of a... hiatus lately. You don't understand how hard it is to find good material for a post. If it was last year, I would have plenty of great material to work with, because 2015 was a great year for pop music. This year? Not so much.

For one, there is far more mediocrity all-around than last year. I can remember how pretty much every song off of the 2015 year-end list went. This year I can barely remember how every song in the top 40 goes. The overall quality is also sorely lacking. We have no Uptown Funk, no Shut Up and Dance, not even a single Taylor Swift song. We have Rihanna at her worst, Drake at his worst, and it's overall lame.

The show must go on, however, and I think I've got just the right song for you guys. This is Side to Side, a reggae-R&B fusion by Ariana Grande and vocals from rapper and singer Nicki Minaj (who, by the way, gets way too much flack). There is plenty of sex appeal if you're into that sort of thing (I'm pretty indifferent, myself), and considering it only debuted two weeks ago, it's still doing fairly well. Let's get into it.

Might as well start with the artists themselves. Ariana is still trying really hard to be Mariah Carey, albeit she could still use some work when she's trying to go loud. She could also stand to improve her diction, but hey, not gonna complain when not even the most famous of musicians could enunciate properly. Still, when she's not performing Problem or something, I think she's pretty great. Nicki Minaj is untouchable on her performance, as always. Let's move on.

Lyrically, this song is a whole other story. If Into You was too subtle for you, here's the song for you. There's no sidestepping it now. Basically, what I can gather from this is the following:

"That sex was good, but now I'm sore all over, but hey, it was totally worth it."

That's basically it. Then Nicki Minaj pops up and raps. She's basically the only female rapper with consistent commercial success right now. You could argue for Iggy Azalea, but she hasn't had a hit in two years, and her latest album tanked. I don't have much to say about Nicki, it's just Nicki being Nicki. So yeah, lyrically, this song's alright, I guess.

Production-wise, it's pretty good. We've got Max Martin working on both this and the writing, and that's alright. Max Martin is basically the God of pop music and he can do whatever the hell he want because he's famous. It's basically the most authentic reggae experience we're getting in mainstream American pop music, though it's mixed with some pop and R&B because that's what Ariana does best. Bubbly and upbeat tone, less-than-sunny lyrics, it's got it all. All it's missing is some actual reggae performers.

So yeah, it's pretty good. Not terribly perfect, but hey, I'll take it above the wannabe dancehall we've been getting tons of this year. Check these two out, totally.

SCORE: 7.75/10

Review: We Don't Talk Anymore (Charlie Puth feat. Selena Gomez) (UPDATED)

Oh boy, another "tropical" song? What's with this year and tropical music?

Ever since Justin Bieber's smash hit What Do You Mean (which I've probably gushed about before), there has been a bit of an... obsession with tropical-sounding music on the charts. Specifically, this time we'll be talking a song of the tropical house genre. Tropical house doesn't strictly originate in the Caribbean, and is kind of a new genre to grace the electronic scene. It's a fusion of dancehall and deep house, the former being rather traditionally Jamaican and the latter being a rather heavy and melody-driven genre of electronic music. 

So who better to give such a rich genre to but Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez, amirite?

To be fair, I don't know if I would actually call this tropical house or not; it doesn't feel especially tropical. I'll try to explain how I feel about this song a bit better. For now, I'll just say I used to dislike this song a lot more than I do now. This is gonna be fairly brief, so don't get your hopes up.

 This is a standard, basic love song about lovers who claim to have moved on and yet are still clinging on to memories.

(EDIT: Oh jeez, I accidentally published this, didn't I? Christ.)

Anyway... yeah, this is a very standard song. Still, standard doesn't mean bad. This song is actually the closest to good Charlie Puth has ever gotten. Heck, I'd even say it's the best thing Selena Gomez has put out since The Heart Wants What it Wants. Still, the main problem is that it's still Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez.

See, even when these guys are trying their hardest, they're still never gonna be the best thing out there. Charlie Puth is still the Wonder Bread of pop singers, and Selena Gomez is still really boring. Heck, I'd say they're less lively here than on some of their other songs.

You may be asking. "You said this song was good. Why is it good?" Why, once again, it's the production. I'm more of a production guy than a lyrics guy, if you couldn't tell. There is a smooth, clean feeling to this song. Heck, I'd say Charlie and Selena kind of help this song's production move along because they are not loud. They are soft, they are sad. It's not downbeat, but it's definitely mellow.

So overall, it's a good song. It's definitely a grower, and I hope this is a sign for their careers to come. Heck, maybe if it grows on me some more, it could make the Top 10 at the end of the year. But for now, we can just settle on "good."

SCORE: 7.5/10

Review: Closer (The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey)

I said I wasn't going to review this song a few posts ago, but... something has come up. Namely, a lack of interesting new songs, and this song's position. It has recently become the new number one on the Billboard Hot 100. This... okayness is currently the biggest song in the country. I figure this is a perfectly good reason to talk about it. This is probably going to be super-short, so I might as well talk about our contributors, first.

First, there's The Chainsmokers. This DJ duo from New York City includes Andrew Taggart and Alex Pall. The two first got big with their viral hit #Selfie, an absolutely abysmal piece of garbage made exclusively to cash in on a trend. I thought that these guys would become poster boys for the term "One-Hit Wonder." I was proven wrong when just this year, they've had three top ten hits, this one included (note that #Selfie only peaked at number 16, and failed to make the year-end). I actually quite liked Roses (featuring highly-obscure singer Rozes) and Don't Let Me Down (featuring up-and-coming teen pop star Daya), their two other hits this year. The former was dark, yet sleek and romantic, and the latter was an aggressive party jam. I'm a bit hopeful for these guys.

Meanwhile, there's Halsey, who contributes her voice to this track. Halsey is a pop singer, mainly appealing to hipster millennials. Her music has positive enough reviews, sure, but I can't help but think of a certain one of her songs whenever I hear her voice. That, of course, is New Americana. New Americana sounds interesting in the verses, it's a dark electropop song, I usually love those. Then you actually listen to the lyrics, and it all falls apart. High on legal marijuana, raised on Biggie and Nirvana, I get it. I just don't like it. It's sloppy and plasticky.

But yeah, let's actually talk about the song.

"Eh."

There you have it, my thoughts on the song. It's just "eh." Not good, not bad, just... "eh." Everything about this song is just plain average. 

This is some of the weakest production I've heard from these guys all year. They went from catchy, yet unique compositions to something a five year old could play on a piano. That's automatically one strike against this song. What about the lyrics?

They're confusing. I gather that the two singers have been separated for something of four years and collectively decide they want to see each other again. All of that is fine. Then the bridge starts, and they're rambling about biting tattoos and stealing mattresses. It's all foreign to me, to be quite frank. Neither singer is too amazing, either.

So there you have it, there's my thoughts on this song. I literally only did this because I was running out of material. Expect a new post within the next week or so.

SCORE: 5/10

Leagueposting (PILOT): Alas, Poor Yorick (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Lag)

Hello, and welcome to my new series called Leagueposting. Here, I'll be covering League of Legends, one of my all-time favorite games. This time, I'll be covering a rather... controversial character from that game. His name is Yorick Mori.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Yorick is a champion (a term for playable characters in LoL) that has only seldom been touched since he was launched. Not because he was perfectly balanced from the get-go, of course. He's had small balance changes over the years. There is a bit of a problem with old Yorick, however.

You see, Yorick is a load of garbage.

Not literally, of course. He's a decent top laner with few counters. However, nothing about Yorick feels clean, or up-to-date, or fun to play against. Despite the balance changes, he still feels like a 2011 champion stuck in 2016. He hasn't even been touched since 2015! 

At least, that's what people say. I had never played Yorick until earlier today. I was playing on the rotating game queue, the current game mode is Nemesis Draft. In this mode, you choose your enemy's character, and they choose yours. I think the enemy picked Nunu, another archaic champion (though not nearly as much as Yorick), for me. But, lo and behold, a guy on my team wanted to trade. They play Nunu, and I play Yorick. I knew all about Yorick's infamy, but I'm like "hey, I'll be the good guy here."

And then the internet went out. I was out of the game for eight minutes.

Needless to say, that was enough for me to go on tilt ("On tilt" is a term used for when a player performs worse than usual out of frustration). I was level one when the rest of my team was level six. But I eventually reconnected, and I went to my lane, and started farming. I got closer to my team as the game progressed, but I was always low on funds.

If you don't know how to play Yorick by this point, he's basically a necromancer champion. Every one of his abilities summons a monster with its own unique stats. These ghouls are incredibly annoying to deal with, and gimmicky to boot. Your damage is only average, so spam the living hell out of them if you even dream of staying relevant.

But anyway, back to the game. I was behind for pretty much the whole thing. Throughout, I slowly realized, and finally understood, the hate for Yorick. I sucked. I mean, the ghouls certainly helped, but without them I was useless. I died quite a lot. He just isn't fun to play as or against. I kept having internet problems throughout, too, disconnecting at random intervals. So yeah, I was super-weak, and we lost the game. No shock there. So, what's the good news?

Yorick is getting reworked.

That's right, Yorick is going to be completely relaunched in only a couple of months. No longer will he be the worst champion in League of Legends by a landslide. He will get a fresh new coat of paint, and he will be beautiful.

But for now, all I can say? Alas, poor Yorick.

Review: Let Me Love You (DJ Snake feat. Justin Bieber)

"Goddamn it, Bieber! Quit making songs I like!"

If you can't tell, I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with former teen pop star Justin Bieber. Even after his big comeback, I find it hard to justify the fact that I like his current material. I know he sounds bored all the time, but it's oddly charming. He's incredibly uninteresting on his own, but with a bit of help, he can definitely make some good tunes. A good example is this collaboration with the French DJ and producer DJ Snake.

Now, DJ Snake is not the most well-known of people. He got his start as a graffiti artist, which is how he got the Snake moniker. Eventually as a teenager he became a DJ, and at 19 he began producing. His first major work was as co-producer on the Lady Gaga song Government Hooker, often considered one of the best tracks off of Born This Way. Nevertheless, he didn't get commercially successful until he started taking credit for his own songs.

DJ Snake's first commercially successful song was Turn Down For What, a near-perfect party anthem featuring rapper Lil Jon. His remix of You Know You Like It by AlunaGeorge was next, followed by his collaboration with Major Lazer and MØ, Lean On. At this point, DJ Snake was on fire. He started working on an album. The first single, The Middle featuring British singer Bipolar Sunshine came out, and it was pretty okay. I can see why some people disliked it, but I liked it. Now, his fifth and most recent top 20, Let Me Love You, has arrived. Is it any good? Well, if you saw the first line, you'd already know. But hey, let's do the review anyway.

DJ Snake is one of the most easy-to-recognize producers in the business right now. For one, it's the main sample on the chorus, which I have heard compared to Woody Woodpecker. This is the same sample he used on Lean On, and it still somehow sounds good. Of course, the tone of this song is a lot darker; not necessarily lyrically, but tonally, this song is a lot moodier than Lean On, which was upbeat and energetic.

Let's not forget SuperBieber himself. We can ignore the lyrics, they're generic, but perfectly passable. No, I want to give this man credit for actually emoting. Bieber usually has trouble expressing any emotion besides "mildly pissed" or "I'm into you I guess," if only because he rivals fellow Canadian musician Drake in monotony. Here... I dare say, he sounds great. Justin Bieber, you get the thumbs up. Not the greatest performer in the world, but you've had a good year. Certainly makes up for "Shawty is an eenie-meenie-minie-moe lovah."

But hell, these are some 10/10 production values right here. I would listen to this on repeat for the production alone. In fact, that's what I've been doing while I've been writing this. If you don't like this kind of stuff, you'd probably think I'm crazy. The production is chilling, yet comfortable. Some of the best use of echo I've heard in a while. Now, I am in no way qualified to determine what is perfect and what is not, but either this or Cold Water... one of these songs... best one I've ever covered. Right now, I'll have to give the edge to this, but once the year-end comes, those number scales will be completely useless. I'll see you all next review.

SCORE: 9/10

Mini Entry: Why "Get Lucky" is Perfect

This post is going to be very different from the usual stuff. There's no reviewing. There's no judging. There is no griping, no complaining. This will be pure gushing. Yes, I will be gushing about a song I love. It was recorded in 2012, released in 2013. It is a collaboration between producer duo Daft Punk, singer and producer Pharrell Williams, and Chic founder Nile Rodgers. Here it is, Get Lucky.

This song is a rather unusual song by Daft Punk standards. It came from an album called Random Access Memories, which traded in the duo's usual house style for disco. It was a huge step-up from their third album Human After All, which had a rather harsh and minimalist sound that feels really out of place in their discography (though I do admit that Robot Rock is a personal favorite of mine). You may have also heard Daft Punk's other material before, with classics such as Da Funk, Around The World, One More Time and Harder, Better Faster, Stronger.

There are several things that make this song work. The most obvious is the guitar work by Nile Rodgers. It's impossible to imagine this song without that guitar. It's reminiscent of old 70's disco... which is exactly the point. To be fair, it's not the only bit of amazing this song has to offer. The keyboard work creates a pleasant atmosphere. Of course, it wouldn't be Daft Punk without synthesizers, and even when it takes you out of the disco for a bit of electronic, it isn't jarring at all. It fits perfectly.

Let's not forget the vocals. Pharrell Williams (or just Pharrell, as he went mononymously back in the 2000s) is famous for a lot of things, singing included. The singing and vocals on this are both stellar. This is no mere sex song. This song is about the connection. It's about a good feeling. You've met this person, you feel that spark, you feel that connection, and you're feeling lucky. You two are going to get together and have the time of your lives.

It isn't even a matter of if you buy it or not. The thing is, this is dance music. This isn't your EDM that claims to be dance music but is about as danceable as sounds of crying and screaming. This is music you can actually dance to. I groove to this song every single time it comes on. Check out all of these artists. I promise you will love their material.

HYPOTHETICAL SCORE: 10/10

Review: Me Too (Meghan Trainor)

Originally, I was planning on covering The Chainsmokers' new single Closer, featuring singer Halsey. I discovered the hard way that it's hard to talk about a song when you don't give a shit about it. I have two alternatives on my mind. Me Too ended up coming out on top, though I may cover the other one soon (assuming it actually makes the Billboard chart).

This song... oh boy. For one, it's by Grammy winning artist Meghan Trainor (though we all know how useless Grammies are). I discovered her around the same time everyone else did, with the release of her first smash hit All About That Bass. That song, along with the entire album it came from, is a good reminder of why no one makes doo-wap anymore.

Her latest album Thank You is an improvement, but only slightly. There's no Dear Future Husband, so that's a plus. She's also abandoned the doo-wap for straight pop, thank God. Reviews weren't too positive, though. So, yeah, no expectations going into this. What have we to deal with? Let's find out.

The production on this beast is by Ricky Reed. He produced Ride, a song I've covered before, along with Fireball by Pitbull and John Ryan and Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo, both of which had solid production. Then again, he also produced a couple of songs I hate, including Wiggle, also by good ol' Derulo, which I might add is the worst song about butts I've ever heard. Speaking of Derulo, that guy's influence is all over this; he even has a small writing credit. And yeah, this is along the lines of some of his worst material.

It's this repetitive, droning beat, it's two-thirds of this thing. No substance whatsoever, and somehow less annoying than I thought it would be. The other third is boring guitar twanging and snapping, super-boring. Yeah, you can certainly feel the cheapness.

Oh, yeah, the writing. The worst part. You know how rappers have this annoying tendency to rap about how rich and egotistical they are even though their audience is nowhere near as successful as they are? I like to call it "brag rap." This song is like if someone decided to sing some brag rap. It's evident in the very first verse.

"Who's that sexy thing I see over there? That's me, standing in the mirror."
"What's that icy thing hanging 'round my neck? That's gold, show me some respect."

I never thought the woman who helped Boring McBoreface (actual name Charlie Puth) sing the classic "Marvin Gaye," pretty much the lamest sex song since Afternoon Delight, would go from that to just being really goddamn annoying. It's like a really rich white girl showing off her jewelry to a homeless man.

"If I was you, I'd wanna be me too." No, I wouldn't. I'm perfectly happy being myself, thank you. This isn't an empowerment anthem, because she's pretty much telling you "I am better than you will ever aspire to be." At least Kanye West was good at convincing you he actually was that rich and successful. At least Kanye West has musical talent, not to mention some really good albums under his belt. Meghan has... a song about butts, outdated gender roles, and now this.

 Are there any positives? It's short? Around 3:01. It's about thirty seconds shorter than most other pop songs. But seriously, just skip it. It's probably not technically as bad as Gold, but I feel much more strongly toward it. Skip this.

SCORE: 3/10

Multiple Review Hour (name subject to change)

Though it is the second time I'm covering multiple songs in one blog, I'm calling this the start of a new segment where I'm going to cover multiple songs in one review, usually no more than seven. And this week I'll be covering a batch of songs that are currently charting between positions 21 and 40 on the Billboard Hot 100 (as of the August 13, 2016 list) that I would consider too low-charting to cover in a full review. These could make the top 20, but who knows? All that matters is that they're... semi-popular. Let's get right into it.

  

Into You (Ariana Grande)

This song probably has the most potential for success, mostly because it's from an artist that's already a proven hitmaker. Yes, Ariana Grande's been in a bit of a rough spot as of late, from rehashing her own material on Focus to her most recent album Dangerous Woman just not being as well-received as her last outing, it's been a hard couple of years. I'd say that Into You here is a diamond in the rough.

This is a dance song, feeling like it belongs more in a club than a car radio. There's no dancehall here, I promise, just straight electronic. Still, I'd say the strongest point on this song is Grande herself. She's soft and sultry in some spots, and in others she's powerful and attention-grabbing. It's pretty easy to guess what the song's about, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a song about sex. She's got that feeling, and she needs sexual healing. It's certainly sexier than the title track off her latest album, that's for sure. Dangerous Woman wasn't a bad song, but it wasn't particularly sexy, just sort of boring. This, however, is like an explosion. You don't die, but you certainly feel the power. Great song, give it a listen any time, and if you're looking for more good Ariana Grande songs, check out The Way or Love Me Harder. Both great tracks.

                                                    Never Be Like You (Flume feat. Kai)

Now this is a bizarre song. The singer is Canadian singer Kai, but the focal point is Australian producer Flume. Flume has had a decent amount of success on the ARIA charts (the Australian equivalent to Billboard), with this having topped the main list there, but this is both his and Kai's first hit in the states. Sadly, I can't say I'm a huge fan of this song.

There's something wrong with the song's production. It's incredibly trippy, I almost think the song might be drunk. I thought this was some bizarre underground music when I first heard it, but no, it's by a relatively normal, semi-mainstream producer. The verses have a sort of glittery feel, you can hear chimes, and Kai is relatively calm. Then the chorus happens.

Speaking of Kai, I'm not huge on her vocal delivery. When she's singing normally, she sounds perfectly fine. It's just when she hits those high notes that it starts to get grating. There are also plenty of gratuitous f-bombs that completely kill the mood, whatever the hell the mood was supposed to be. They just take me right out of the song. So yeah, not that great. Next.

                                       All in My Head (Flex) (Fifth Harmony feat. Fetty Wap)

I'm pretty happy that I finally get to cover Fetty Wap on this blog. He was one of the stand-out new acts last year. He got big off of Vine, but he ended up being so much more than just another T-Wayne or iLoveMemphis. Every one of his songs, no matter what the production sounded like, was fun to listen to, if only because of the man himself. He's definitely a character, from his appearance to his trademark voice, and his rapping's good, too. It's no different here, he just elevates the song to "Good time" status.

Of course, he's not the main act. No, that's girl group Fifth Harmony. They're not terrible, per se, but they definitely got off on the wrong foot when Worth It ended up being their first hit, and Work From Home ended up just being mediocre. This is their first major hit to genuinely be good. Yes, more tropical stuff, forgive me. It's a fun song.

Granted, this thing is far from perfect. The singing works well with the production, but lyrically it's not very strong. I don't even remember how the lyrics go, they're super forgettable and uninteresting. I remember the pre-chorus and the chorus pretty well, but the verses were particularly forgettable sans maybe Fetty Wap's. It's a rather large stain on an otherwise strong single. Still, it didn't hurt my feelings on it too much, so give this one a shot.

                                              i hate u, i love u (gnash feat. Olivia O'Brien)

I have a feeling I want to like this song way more than it actually deserves. Inside, I really like this song, but I realize it's only okay. The piano combined with the percussion create a beautiful sound. O'Brien's singing is great. Gnash isn't too bad either, despite the monotone. It's a fairly bitter song. What's kept me from liking it for so long?

This song's focus seems incredibly confused. The pair go from bickering and angry to solemn and wanting each other back. My guess is that it's supposed to represent the confusing and conflicting emotions arising from missing an ex, and yeah, these two definitely seem both conflicted and confused. In that respect, yeah, I guess it does work. You're remembering how bad your relationship was with this person and suddenly you're thinking "maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe I should go back" even though you've long since moved past. Heck, Gnash is even mentioned to have gotten a new girlfriend since the implied breakup!

So yeah, my opinions on this song are a bit conflicted. Overall, though, I don't hate this song. Don't love it, but it's pretty decent, pretty good, it's all good.

                                                                      Gold (Kiiara)

Behold, the worst song I have ever covered on this blog. Heathens may have been mediocre, bordering on bad, but this is just plain bad. Barely anything good about this song. The only thing I can compliment this song on is that it's not the worst thing I've heard all year. Let's get into how bad this song is.

First of all, the production. The godawful, trainwreck production. The only evidence of there being a chorus is the repeated lyrics in some spots. The verses are barely even verses. This is an anti-song. I should probably elaborate.

The first thing you notice when you listen to the chorus is that it is completely unintelligible. You have no idea what she's saying. It turns out most of the chorus is random samples from the verses, arranged in a mostly random manner. The only original lyric on the chorus is "without ever letting you know."

On the verses, at least you can understand what Kiiara is saying. I think the lyrics are trying to portray her as someone who's edgy and dangerous. Lyrics like "Gold up in my teeth," "Imma bite your feelings out," and "Your brother was a good substitute for you," are pretty dang bad, and that's just in the first minute. It doesn't get much better, but sadly the lyrics aren't as memorably bad the further the song goes.

This song sucks.

And that's it. Five songs, five reviews, all done. I really enjoyed working on this, and I'm thinking about doing another one of these in the future. Here are the scores, and I'll see you next time.

Into You: 8.5/10
Never Be Like You: 5/10
All in My Head (Flex): 7.5/10
i hate u, i love u: 7/10
Gold: 3/10

Review: Cold Water (Major Lazer feat. Justin Bieber and MØ)

When I was browsing Spotify one day (I believe it was the first time I listened to the New Music Friday playlist), I heard this song rather early on in the lineup. It was called Cold Water, it was yet another collab between producer trio Major Lazor and singer Karen Marie Ørsted, better known as MØ, but it also had a singer whose name I have heard many times before: Justin Bieber. I didn't check to see who made it until after I heard his voice, and boy was I pleasantly surprised.

Now, I liked Lean On, it was a fun song to dance to, and it was produced in spots by DJ Snake, one of the best mainstream EDM producers there is. This song does not have DJ Snake, allowing Major Lazer to run wild and do whatever the heck they want. Heck, I'll even admit to liking a few songs Justin Bieber has put out recently, mainly What Do You Mean and Sorry, both mainly for the production. Still, it's no surprise to anyone that Justin Bieber needs good production to sound good, because without it he sounds like he'd rather be anywhere else. As for MØ, I don't really have an opinion on her. I haven't heard any of her music, but she seems talented.

So, there's my opinions on the artists. What about the song? Well, when I heard it that day, I thought it was okay. I predicted it would probably become a hit considering it was a collaboration between three (five?) known hitmakers. Still, I was a bit shocked to see that it debuted at number 2 on the August 13th edition of the Hot 100. It's managed to chart above One Dance, allowing that song to further slip into obscurity. Hell, I'm tempted to give this a blindly praising review simply for that fact (seriously, One Dance needs to get the hell out). Sadly, I'm going to have to find other things to praise besides the fact that it is currently marginally more popular than the most bland as white bread song currently out right now. So enough about that, let's get into the review proper.

Well first of all, I'm glad there's a lyric video for this, because it's pretty difficult trying to pay attention to what the singers are actually singing. I'm really loving this production from the get-go. I swear, the fact that I keep doing Caribbean-inspired music is completely coincidental; it's just what's gotten big this year. This is some of the best production I've heard all year. It even manages to make Bieber sound good! The verses are cool, chill, and pleasant. And then the chorus kicks in, and the song shifts into maximum overdrive. It's nowhere near the awesomeness of DJ Snake's best work, but then again DJ Snake is a god among men who should not be trifled with. This drop is epic, but pulls the punches just enough for you to not look like an absolute fool when you're jamming to it in public. THIS is the kind of electronic music I want to see more of, not Calvin Harris.

Lyrically, it's a perfectly fine song. Ed Sheeran and Benny Blanco both helped  write this, and those two are incredibly inconsistent writers. That is, neither of them is consistently good or bad. I would say this is some of their better work, along the lines of their last collaboration, Don't, which had been sung by Sheeran.  It's not as bitterly angry as Don't, not even close, but this song has its own purpose.

It's a love song, like most electronic. Bieber's verses have one very basic idea: No matter how bad things get, he'll always be there for you. He won't let go, he'll be your lifeline. And then MØ's verse crops up, and it's very clear that this is a two-person narrative. She's the "you" Bieber has been talking about this whole time. Her situation is unstable, like a rocking boat, she's close to tipping over, and she wants to make sure Bieber's really got her back, and guess what, he's got her back. He won't let go, he'll be her lifeline tonight.

Really, this song pulls everything together at the end. It feels like a complete narrative by that point. I don't know if it's objectively the best song in the world, heck, a lot of critics have called this song mediocre, but I'm a lot more forgiving to this song. I love it, it's a definite late-summer jam. If you're burnt out from grandpa Timberlake trying to be cool again or goddamn One Dance, give this song a go. It'll reinvigorate your spirits.

SCORE: 8.75/10