Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017 (with dishonorable mentions)

It's that time of the year!

Yep, that's right, it's list season. As per tradition, the worst must come first. Time to look over some especially bad songs that have gained traction over this past year. We're stretching from the borderline mediocre to the outright garbage today, folks, so you all had better be ready. It's not going to be pretty.

However, first, I'd like to disclose some dishonorable mentions. Seven this year, up from five, mostly because I could come up with more than fifteen songs I actually outright disliked. And as always, I will be basing this list on Billboard's annual Year-End Hot 100 chart, and each song will be paired with its corresponding position on that chart. With that said, let's get on with it.

Starving (Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft. Zedd) (YE Position: #82)

Well, yeah, this is still terrible. Honestly, I just wanted to show this song some mercy by not putting it in the top 10 this year. As for where Heathens is, it's not here. I can at least understand why that song has any sort of appeal now, I'm not even sure I would put that on a worst list anymore. Can't say the same for this. Production is clunky, Hailee's voice is annoying, the drop is awful, the lyrics are lazy... it's not good, and that's about it.

Chained to the Rhythm (Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley) (YE Position: #73)

You tried, Katy Perry. You tried so hard, you made the nicest sounding song on this worst list but you barely got anywhere, and in the end it didn't even matter. I buy Katy Perry as "woke" about as much as I buy that Roy Moore is a champion of women's rights, she just cannot pull this off. It's a song about how using mindless party songs to try and ignore how horrible the world is is a stupid thing to do... and yet Perry here is notorious for making mindless party songs! And no, bringing Bob Marley's grandson will not get you bonus points with anyone. Next.

Scars to Your Beautiful (Alessia Cara) (YE Position: #30)

Gold star for Cara for actually kinda trying. She just doesn't do a very good job of it. Look, if you're going to touch on the dark and nasty aspects of body negativity and positivity (eating disorders, for example), you need more emotion in your voice. I know the idea was that "Yeah, it's bad now, but you don't have to hate yourself, you're beautiful just the way you are," but if you want to lift someone up, have a bit more weight to your words. Don't sound so tired and passive, it makes it sound like you're not totally interested or sincere in your message.

Thunder (Imagine Dragons) (YE Position: #51)

Frankly, I don't think I've ever heard a song that sounds more like a commercial jingle than this one. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Imagine Dragons, transitioning from decent alternative rock to brain-dead synth pop with ear-grating instruments and a shrill voice in the background that's only good for car commercials. It's saddening, and it makes me cry. If you're gonna listen to these guys, just listen to their first album, maybe their second. Third album was awful, don't bother with that one.

Sorry Not Sorry (Demi Lovato) (YE Position: #47)

Former Disney princess Demi Lovato is generally capable of providing some strong hits and big sounds. I, for one, loved Cool For The Summer, so it's honestly kind of sad to see that this is the direction she's taking her career in. I honestly had no idea it was possible to make gospel singers sound annoying, or make Demi sound annoying, or... jeez, it's not even objectively bad, I just find it annoying to listen to. That's probably why it's not even in the top 10, I just can't bring myself to say it's awful, because it really isn't.

Rake It Up (Yo Gotti ft. Nicki Minaj) (YE Position: #53)

I honestly kind of like this song in a "So stupid, it's impossible to hate it" kind of way. Can't really say the song's any good, though. Yo Gotti is one of those rappers who just kind of exists, there's not much that stands out about him except that his voice is kind of doofy. Nicki Minaj has a verse which... just kind of exists. The lyrics are really dirty and really silly, and I can find nothing about this song to take seriously. Still, it's the fun kind of bad, and it could totally be worse.

I'm The One (DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and Lil Wayne) (YE Position: #12)

And here we are. DJ Khaled, the living meme. The guy who let a baby be credited as the executive producer on an album. No, he's not a rapper, he's a producer. He brings people together and tells them what to do. Long lists of featured acts are common for this guy, and... honestly, this sure sounds like it was produced by a baby. Annoying synths? Check. Boring verses? Check. Justin Bieber of all people on the chorus? Check. Add that all together and you get why I'm sad that nothing else that Chance The Rapper has ever done has cracked the top 40. I would've totally put No Problem on last year's best list, Coloring Book was amazing... come on. Just let me have something from you that's actually good, Chance. Please.

And with that, we're done with our honorable mentions. Now comes the hard part. The real true garbage. You all know what to expect. Get ready to hate yourself, it's gonna get messy.

10. Bad Things (Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello) (YE Position: #41)

Rule 1 of making pop songs: Don't sample Fastball. Rule 2 or making pop songs: Don't sample Fastball. I get it, Fastball is a thing that exists, they were a two-hit wonder (The Way and Out of My Head were their hits, by the way), they used to be popular. I just doubt that most of your audience is going to remember them. Out of My Head is the name of the song being sampled here, and wow, this is misaimed. First, it's trashy pop rap from a guy who can do way better and has proven they can do way better. Second, the person singing the sampled lyrics is former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello, most famous for her breakout Havana single that came out a few months ago. This is worse than that, clearly. The worst thing about it by far is, again, the Fastball sample on the chorus. "I never mean to do bad things to you" becomes "I only wanna do bad things to you," making it abundantly clear that whoever thought the sample was a good idea just didn't care. Something about pain and pleasure? I don't care. This song is lousy.

9. Juju On That Beat (TZ Anthem) (Zay Hilfigerrr & Zayion McCall) (YE Position: #63)

Easy targets make for easy lists. Case in point, here's an easy target. Two bratty teenagers make a dumb dance song and base it off of a Crime Mob sample. Also, fun fact, Zay Hilfigerrr is the youngest person by birth date to land a top 10 hit in the United States, even younger than Lil Pump. Does it excuse this song being terrible? No, but it's clear the pair weren't really trying to make anything good. This was popular on total accident, and it doesn't seem the two have any plans whatsoever to follow it up. If anything, it's his slightly older companion Zayion McCall with the worse lyrics, even in spite of Hilfigerrr calling my dad ugly. McCall only has one successful rhyme throughout his whole verse, and "if you compare me and you, then there would be no comparings" is one of the worst lyrics in anything that came out this year (yes, even worse than that "Who can relate? Whoo!" in that one suicide prevention song Logic did). Frankly, if you're gonna listen to something like this, just listen to Rolex by Ayo and Teo, they did the "dumb dance song that only exists for the dance" thing far better even in spite of barely being actual rappers. On to the next one.

8. Don't Wanna Know (Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar) (YE Position: #38)

First of all, this video's easily the most dated and awful of the entire year and I hate it. Second, the video doesn't have Lamar's verse so it's even more boring. It's honestly kind of magical how Lamar manages to be so amazing on his solo work yet can put out some of the most extraordinarily uninteresting guest verses one can find. But yeah, the rest of the song is terrible too. Adam Levine refuses to hit his highest notes, which is a blessing in disguise, but the rest of his delivery is tired and lacking in energy. If you're going to go for the bitter subject matter, at least sound more bitter instead of sounding like you just woke up and forgot to drink your coffee. Sound more bitter, sound more upset, have more emotion. The production is too bubbly to carry that subject matter, but not bubbly enough to be properly dissonant. Dissonance can be good if there's enough of it, and there just isn't here. It's dull, it's lazy and overall a waste of time.

7. Body Like A Back Road (Sam Hunt) (YE Position: #8)

No, this song never got a music video. Here's the lyric video. Yes, it was the eighth biggest song of the year. Let me be honest with you, I don't feel the same anger that a lot of people do for this song, but... I think I finally get it. I get why this is awful, I get why people have such a strong hatred for it. It's the title. You have a body like a back road. Coarse, rough, unpopular, dirty, unkempt, covered in greenery, and overall a bad time for anyone who isn't either a redneck or a hipster. I'm no redneck, I'm no hipster, why would I want anyone comparing me to a back road?! It's not like the rest of the song helps, the fact that it reminds me of a particularly bad Uncle Kracker song does not help. For the record, no, there will not be any country music on the best list. I'm not a huge fan of the genre as a whole, but this is just awful in its own right.

6. Fake Love (Drake) (YE Position: #37)
https://open.spotify.com/track/343YBumqHu19cGoGARUTsd

(no music video exists because Drake; go listen to it on Spotify or something, here's a link that I'm praying works)

So, Drake was a complete and total disappointment this year. No surprise, really, I blame oversaturation. He had a few good songs, but overall More Life was kind of lame. This is one of the worst cuts off of that album by the way, it's lousy. So, this is supposed to be a song about fake friends leeching off of your success. Perfectly fine. Just one question: Could you sound any less obnoxious, please? If you can't tell, the main thing that ticks me off about a song is when it annoys me. If it annoys me, then I can't find any enjoyment in it, even in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way. This isn't the fun kind of bad, it's just horribly mediocre, with a surprisingly lame beat and Drake sounding the worst he's ever sounded. It's a magical kind of bad that one has to experience to believe, it's almost entertaining. You know what's not entertaining? Number 5.

5. I Don't Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker) (Zayn & Taylor Swift) (YE Position: #26)

This is the only noteworthy song the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack produced. Not noteworthy in a good way, clearly, but noteworthy. This is officially the most basic, mediocre pop song of 2017. Nothing competes, nothing is more unmemorably bad than this. There's nothing particularly awful here, but at the same time, I could think of literally zero good things about it. At the end of the day, I feel like having no good is worse than having a few awful moments with a little bit of good. You have Zayn's awful falsetto, Taylor's complete non-presence, the production from Jack Antonoff (who, by the way, is most definitely capable of making good music) is lousy... above all else, it's a song from a dirty, sleazy movie that can't even bother to feel like it belongs in that movie. At least the first film had a catchy yet undeniably dirty pop ballad and sleazy R&B that, even if they weren't the best songs... at least they fit the movie. This can't even achieve that.

4. Tunnel Vision (Kodak Black) (YE Position: #55)

Behold, the absolute worst thing to come out of the trap boom. This... thing. Kodak Black is the stage name of Dieuson Octave, notable for being arrested for or accused of various crimes, ranging from robbery to battery and sexual misconduct. He also has a horrible voice that no one should have to listen to more than once per day, or even once per week. On top of that, we have lyrics that seem to be all over the place. Like, the general idea is that the police system treats him and others like him unfairly, yet he shows no remorse for the crimes he seems to admit to have done and practically brags about his substance abuse. Further still is the beat that would be good on literally anything else, with what appears to be a recreation of a song by Chilean folk group Inti-Illimani (because why not) hidden in there, and it doesn't even fit the tone of the track. I can only guess why the producers went for that one. Overall, it's terrible, next.

3. do re mi (Blackbear) (YE Position: #98)

This is the remix with Gucci Mane, by the way. The original didn't have Gucci and was way worse, I'd probably put the remix at like #10 or #9 or something, if only because his verse is actually pretty good. But hey, here we are. I was hoping this wouldn't make the list, but hey, this is just an excuse to tear this piece of garbage a new one. I'll take it. Anyway, where do we even begin with this? The verses aren't... totally terrible? No, the problem here is mainly the chorus. The absolute worst chorus on the list, even worse than the bottom two. The only reason this is above the bottom two is because of those verses, which are only slightly below average. Still, that chorus is a special kind of bad. Obnoxious, petty, trying and failing to be catchy, the list goes on. It's a song about telling a self-centered and conceited ex to **** off, so you'd think you'd want to make the protagonist likeable, right? That's not what's happening here. He's just as annoying and self-centered as the ex he's complaining about, as far as I can tell. If you want an example of how to completely fail to make you care about someone's struggles, this is it.

2. Issues (Julia Michaels) (YE Position: #29)

Do you know how many times I heard this on the radio? Too many. The best thing about this song is making fun of it on long car rides. Julia Michaels is one of the most consistently bad songwriters in modern pop, she's made very little good material (and if she has, it's most certainly not her writing that makes it good). All of your staple Julia Michaels tropes are here, from awkward wordplay to bad singing to rather unfortunate metaphors and lyrics with rather disturbing implications. So many things that I couldn't begin to go into detail on... oh my God, it's awful, it's awful. You have Julia Michaels herself, who sounds like she got kicked in the stomach and is now trying to catch her breath. Speaking of that, we have a couple that seems borderline abusive to each other, you have to wonder who the real crazy one is here. This is probably the least healthy relationship I've ever heard described in a mainstream pop song. It's legitimately unpleasant, and I never wanna hear it again.

1. Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift) (YE Position: #39)

Here it is. Nuclear waste in music form. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure whether to go with this one or Issues for the number one spot, but I figured... one-hit wonder that no one's gonna remember in five years, or world-famous Taylor Swift trashing her own image for the sake of unfunny satire? I'll go with the unfunny satire. Nothing about this song works in any meaningful way. There is no cohesion, none of the million elements go well together. Sure, I can buy she made it this grating and terrible on purpose, but why would she do that? Was she just trying to rip off Kendrick Lamar's Humble, which was also about embracing the horrible things the right-leaning media (specifically Fox News) has said about him and becoming the cartoonish villain they painted him as? Probably not, but hey, it's fun to imagine. Why not, I mean he took the complete dumpster fire that was Bad Blood and made it at least partially salvagable. No, I think Taylor just listened to Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus or Kesha and said "Hey, sounding different is possible, let's try and sound different." And different ended up sounding like... well, a dumpster fire.

So, congratulations, Taylor Swift. You did it. Worst hit song of 2017. Don't congratulate yourself, please, never play this song live. Accept that this was a mistake and move on. I know I will. Next time I'm gonna be reading off my favorites. Stay tuned.

Review: Gucci Gang by Lil Pump

This'll be quick.

Okay, you're all probably wondering what the heck this song is. Here's as brief a summary as I can give.

Gazzy Garcia. He's born in August of 2000. He begins rapping in 2016 at the suggestion of his friend Omar Pineiro, better known as Smokepurpp, known as one of the biggest names in the Soundcloud-based rap scene of south Florida. Garcia begins to go by Lil Pump. Garcia starts putting up music, each song individually gaining well over a million streams. He goes on his first tour performances. He puts out two new singles, D. Rose and Boss. There are over 70 million combined streams between the two on Soundcloud alone. He begins working on his debut mixtape before he even turns 17. He then puts out a new single two weeks after his 17th birthday. It's Gucci Gang. It begins to chart. Then the mixtape drops, it's self-titled. It charts at #3 on the Billboard 200 albums chart, and reviews aren't totally terrible. Gucci Gang suddenly grows in popularity. A music video is released. The song reaches the top 10 in Canada and the United States. Here we are today.

Yep, this is a bit of a mess. This is a song that would get big in no other time in history but 2017 thanks to the absolute boom in popularity trap music has experienced. Then again, this guy is younger than me and he's in the top 10. Many of his contemporaries don't even make the top 20, there has to be something to this. I need to get to the bottom of this. Brace yourselves, this ride is gonna get bumpy.

Yes, he is selling lean and walking a tiger at a high school. What's stopping him?

First of all, you need to know something before you try to understand Lil Pump's music. You aren't supposed to understand it, there is no deeper meaning. Bling and b****es is the name of the game here, toss in some copious drug use and expensive clothes and you have yourself a typical Lil Pump song. The formula does not change whatsoever here; I mean, why would it? It's got him this far. Now that you understand what this song is about, let's actually talk about it. 

Wordplay isn't too horribly clever here. First of all, the title refers to Lil Pump's circle of friends, including the aforementioned Smokepurpp. They probably call themselves Gucci Gang because of their affinity for the Gucci brand of clothing. Other things Lil Pump says he likes include chains, Balmain jeans, Louboutin's, and doing prescription drugs, and dislikes WestJet and people who smoke cigarettes. It's something of a character study if you really want to think of it like that. It's really too short to even do that, though; the song is literally just an intro, then a chorus, then a verse, then the chorus again, and it's over.

Is there a saving grace here? Well, I like the production, I guess? It's not totally interesting, but I enjoy the percussion, and the piano's still stuck in my head as of writing. It... it exists, alright. Okay, what do you want me to say? It's Gucci Gang. I just like listening to it. It's hot garbage, sure, but I like listening to it.

Overall... yeah. the above few sentences pretty much summarizes my feelings on this song. It exists, it's terrible, but I like it anyway. Does that mean I'm going to give it a good score? No, but it means you won't be seeing it on 2018's year end lists, more than likely. Not sure when my 2000 project is coming out, but it's getting worked on.

SCORE: 5.5/10

What to Expect for the Future

Hey y'all, this is just a quick update. You may be wondering about my next review, and, well... I'm still trying to decide on a good one. There isn't a whole lot on the US charts that I can talk about, and I don't know enough about other countries' charts to discuss those, though I may consider doing a foreign song in the future. I'm working on something, though, so stay tuned for that. Expect a sequel to my old Multi Review Hour (A bunch of smaller reviews instead of one big one) if I can't find a good song to cover.

In the meantime, I figured it might be fun to look back a bit, try something a bit different. One of my favorite things about the Billboard charts is their year-end lists. I have something of a project in the works; I'll go look back at a list and briefly discuss every single song on that list. I can't expect that I'll for sure finish this project, but since I'm fairly passionate about it, I feel I can at least get it partly done. Stay patient for that.

But yeah, I'm not dead, I'm just slow. This isn't my job, mind you, I haven't monetized this blog at all. I won't give up on you all, not yet. Stay tuned in for further updates.

Review: Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man

That period was on purpose. That's really how their name is formatted.

So, uh, yeah. Portugal. The Man. There's an actual rock band in the top 20 that isn't Imagine Dragons or Twenty One Pilots, hallelujah. I mean, the song's more of a psychedelic-funk-pop fusion, but you get the idea, they're a rock band that makes rock music. This could very well end up being another Foster the People or The Neighbourhood kind of situation where this is their only song anyone cares about, but I don't care. It's a hit.

Okay, a little bit of background. Portugal. The Man is a sort-of psychedelic, indie, alt-rock kind of group, they're not like most mainstream rock acts. They're kind of experimental, which is fine. They have been putting out music since at least 2005, and this song here comes from their eighth major studio album Woodstock. The song is called Feel it Still.

As you can see, the video is also fairly wacky.

You may have heard this song a few time if you've watched any commercials recently, especially in the United States. Apple, Google, and even the guys behind VitaminWater have used the song in their adverts. Yeah, this is more of an American hit, so far it's only peaked at around number 42 on the UK charts, for example. Really, though, it doesn't matter, it's on the radio over here often enough. I'm counting it.

Normally, it gets kind of annoying seeing songs get popular through commercials (Alex Clare and X Ambassadors are examples of acts that have gotten success this way), but with a song as odd as this, I don't have many problems with it. It gives the charts a bit more diversity, it's refreshing seeing something like this so popular. There's a bit of old-school charm here somewhat akin to other hits we've had this year. Still, nostalgia's a bit of an industry nowadays, and a cool one at that. Well, I guess now's a better time than ever to talk about the actual song.

This is a song built around a chorus. Quite literally, the band themselves have said the writing process started with the chorus's first line "I'm a rebel just for kicks." Rebelling for the sake of rebelling. Because someone has to do it. The rest of the song just kind of gels off of it. It's just a solid line, you can do a lot with it. Also, yes, it is to the tune of the opening lines to The Marvelettes' Please Mr. Postman, why not?

They sure do a lot with it. There's something about the lead singer's kid in there, that's pretty much what the first two verses are about. This is more to solidify the feeling of oldness. They haven't literally been feeling it since 1966, but they sure feel like it. Reminiscing about those old counter-cultural movements is more what this song's about. What do I mean?

I mean what I say. It's a song about finding connections between what happened years ago and what's going on nowadays. Even the misguided allusion to the Beastie Boys' classic (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!) fits into this, as even though that song was made as a parody of "bleep the rules, I wanna party" songs, it just inspired that sort of rebellious attitude even more.

Besides that is the ancient feeling it gives off. The verses about raising a kid only add to that. This song is from the point of view of an older person who was alive around 1966, or at least feels that way, and it shows. The album it's from is even called Woodstock, there's no subtlety to that, and you know what? That's totally fine. It gets the point across. Old people feel old, but also see a bit of a connection to their youth in the turbulence surrounding them. Jeez, there's even a fairly subtle connection between the Berlin Wall and the reactions to the proposed US-Mexico border wall ("We could wait until the walls come down... it's time to give a little to the kids in the middle but oh, until it falls, it won't bother me."). It's subtle, but that's pretty obviously what they're going for.

 I think the verse that does it for me is the third one (the one with the line about the walls). It's a bitterly ironic one, talking about "fighting wars for peace" and "giving in to that easy feeling." It's directed at those who delibrately choose inaction, to go along with the flow and be blindly happy about whatever's going on, and punches are not pulled. Giving a little to the kids in the middle ain't gonna do much, but tearing that wall down sure will. It's brilliant.

Hey, if you're looking for something to rebel to, this is fine. Obvious commercial fodder, but hey, I like my commercial fodder. It's lively, it's energetic, it's inspiriting, and I love it. The album's alright, too. Next time, we're getting a bit more sane.

SCORE: 8/10

Review: Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift

It's like she took her legacy and threw it in an incinerator and left the door open to watch it burn.

Taylor Swift. She needs no introduction. She deserves no introduction. Everyone and their mother knows who this person is. I mean, maybe you don't if you're outside the United States, I don't know, I know a few of my readers are. I'll explain briefly.

Taylor Swift is a former country singer from Nashville, Tennessee who got her break writing and singing relatable country songs for fellow young people. Silly love songs. Breakup songs. She connected to the youth like no other country singer could, and she was successful doing this.

Eventually, around 2012, she started to transition into straight-up pop music. That year she released Red, an album which was mostly pop-country. There were straight country songs and straight pop songs, but it was mostly a blend. In 2014, however, she released 1989, an album which was basically just pop, no country to be seen. Needless to say, it was even more successful than Red and provided Swift with some of her biggest hit singles to date. Now, in 2017, she is set to release her next album Reputation this November, set to have another fairly dramatic career direction change to a harsher electropop sound. She recently released the first single from that album, titled Look What You Made Me Do.

Needless to say, it was polarizing. There were those who liked it for the sudden and bold stylistic change, and others hated it for that exact reason. It's an odd song, certainly, one that might take me a while to explain. Am I up for the challenge? Probably not. I'll try anyway.

So, this song is a dark, edgy bit of electropop with elements of electroclash (a style of electronic music that was vaguely popular in the late 1990s). Also, remember when I talked about Jack Antonoff a few reviews ago (the guy from fun who wrote that one song from Fifty Shades Darker that also had Swift on it)? Yeah, he produced and co-wrote this. You wanna know who else wrote this? The guys from Right Said Fred. How?

Well, would you believe me if I told you the chorus interpolates the chorus of Right Said Fred's hit single I'm Too Sexy? It's true. Trust me, it's as jarring as it sounds. Basically, Swift sings "Ooh, look what you made me do" in the exact same manner as that which Richard Fairbrass says the immortal line "I'm too sexy for my shirt." I have two problems with this. One, it sounds clumsy and arrogant. Two, sampling I'm Too Sexy is, in 99% of circumstances, a terrible idea. It's a classic, and I will hear no counterarguments. It's a masterpiece. Literal perfection.

Of course I'm kidding, but it's still a terrible idea. I'm Too Sexy was a deeply ironic critique of the fashion industry. This loses all of that depth and dives straight into pettiness. It ends up leaving us with probably the worst chorus Taylor Swift has ever made, and possibly the worst chorus of 2017. This is on the level of last year's worst choruses. It's barely even a chorus, there's less going on than there is in any of the verses. I know the chorus is usually the spot in a song with the least amount of lyrical depth, but jeez, it doesn't even get the point across. "Look what you made me do?" What did we make you do?

That's barely even getting into the lyrical content. It's so clearly about her feuds with Kanye West and Katy Perry that it isn't even subtle. I'm pretty sure I heard some lyrical allusions to Perry's own Swish Swish from her most recent album, a song that, while not great, at least had a groove to it. At least Katy Perry had swagger. This has about as much swagger as a corpse in a centuries-old graveyard.

This song is the embodiment of pettiness. Look, I get Taylor Swift is usually fairly petty. She makes pettiness anthems like they're coming out of style, but this is probably the worst offender. Not only is it petty, it is arrogant and absolutely edgy. The constant whining and pettiness coming from the lyrics is legitimately unbearable to handle. Here is a link to the lyrics, I couldn't even begin to describe them in detail. It isn't even just the lyrics, it's the delivery. The whining is apparent from the first few lines. You can tell she feels very entitled to her opinion, whether you like it or not. Her tone is absolutely grating in every single line, from the full-of-herself monotone to the shrill tones of the pre-chorus. It's awful, bottom line.

So yeah, this is the worst pop song of the year so far. Not only is it bad, it's Taylor Swift giving her own career the middle finger. She says it herself. "I'm sorry, the old Taylor...she's dead!" She's reinventing her career again, only it's gone backwards this time around. It's terrible, and her follow-up single ...Ready for It? wasn't much better. I'm not looking forward to the album.

Next time, I have no idea.

SCORE: 2.75/10

Review: Bodak Yellow by Cardi B

Missed me?

Welcome back to the blog. I went on a bit of an unannounced hiatus a few months back, and I'm sorry for that. I had a few reasons, but most important was I was feeling burnt out. There was nothing in the music world worth writing about, and I couldn't be bothered to make another Leagueposting (though maybe I could do one in the near future, League of Legends is kind of a mess right now and is only gonna get messier). So, for a few months, I waited. Now that school's back in for me, I can focus on the blog again. Because, really, whenever school's around, I want to think about literally anything else. But anyway, let's get on with the show.

Here's a question. Has anyone here watched Love & Hip Hop? Well, knowing my demographic, probably not. It's a show featuring various women involved in the rap industry in some way, whether they actually be rappers or friends of friends of rappers (Yes, I said "friends of" twice on purpose.). Today, we'll be talking about an actual rapper who was on the show, Cardi B.

Cardi B is the pseudonym of Belcalis Almanzar, a social media personality who got her start as an actual stripper (this is why I don't want kids reading this blog) before quitting that line of work and transitioning into music in 2015. Around that time, she joined the cast of Love & Hip Hop: New York, appearing on the show throughout its sixth and seventh seasons. She ultimately left to focus on her music, and the result was Bodak Yellow, a single that interpolates the flow of fellow rapper Kodak Black's single No Flockin'.

To say this song didn't get big suddenly would be a lie. This is an artist who had never charted a single on the Hot 100 up to that point, and she made it to the top 3 within seven weeks, and as of writing she's still there. Now, whether Taylor Swift's song ends up making it drop a few spaces has yet to be seen (but trust me, we'll talk about that one eventually), but for now it's a total beast. Is it any good? Let's just see about that.

Normally, these trap hits have a bit of a crutch. That crutch is the beat. The beat is the backing track produced by, well, the producer. Even otherwise mediocre or terrible songs can be saved by solid or infectiously-catchy beats (examples include Tunnel Vision by the aforementioned Kodak Black, Magnolia by Playboi Carti, and Mask Off by Future).  What does this song have?

Nothing memorable. Just kind of a basic beat. I barely even remember what it sounds like.

Now, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. If anything, it's sort of a blessing. It allows you to pay better attention to the lyrics themselves as well as Cardi B's performance. She's a strong, independent (well, not totally independent, she's still on a label) rapper who don't need no crutch. Honestly, it's refreshing to see this kind of old-fashioned approach to rapping from a newer face. Congratulations, Cardi B, you caught my interest. Now keep it.

It really isn't fair to judge the performance when it comes to hip hop, but that just means I'll have to go extra hard on the lyrical content. There's no singing, it's rough, it's edgy, it's all rap. It's not a clean song, it's not a pop song, this isn't Nicki Minaj we're talking about. This is very definitely trap. What does that mean for the lyrics? It's not a good sign. Trap hits tend to be very much about the same things: Money, drugs and intercourse.

This does not stray far from that. It's a very crude track, and also very unapologetic. It reminds me a little bit of Young M.A. in that regard. Young M.A. is a fellow rapper who became a bit of a one-hit wonder with her single Ooouuu earlier this year, and it was an equally crude and unapologetic track. Bodak Yellow is a bit more polished and focuses a bit more on the wealth aspect.

But yeah, back to Bodak Yellow. Sex, drugs, money. Does Cardi have anything to add to that? Well, yes, actually. There's actually kind of a theme here. This song is basically about how she used to be a stripper, but she developed a strong work ethic and now she isn't. Good for her. She's fully willing to brag about it, but she seems grateful, at least. It reflects in her lyrics. Sure, she'll talk about how good her sex is, and she has no qualms admitting ties to the Bloods street gang, but you know, that's just how she rolls. She doesn't have to dance now, she makes money moves.

Overall, yeah, it's alright. Not amazing, it doesn't really stand out in any way. I'm just glad there's a rap song that can actually have some focus. I'll give credit where credit is due, she's talented. No garbage this time, sorry. Maybe next time... actually, yes, next time. Promise I'll cover garbage next time, okay?

RATING: 7/10

Review: Body Like a Back Road (Sam Hunt)

My first country review. Aren't you proud?

     Sam Hunt is the quintessential pop country act of the 2010s. What, you thought that was Taylor Swift? She doesn't even count as country anymore. Now we have the 32-year-old Sam Hunt to fill that pop country void. He'll tell you he's more country, but there's definitely a lot of pop and R&B influence in his music. Here we have his second major pop crossover, Body Like a Back Road, a song about... well, you'll see.

    
     There are a few reasons I chose to use the lyric video for this one. One, there's no music video for this thing; the only other upload of this song is just a close-up picture of a road. The other... I just want you to get a load of those lyrics. They're the fun part.

     But first, how does the song actually sound? There's a light, care-free attitude on this thing that's more reminiscent of earlier pop country than the bro country that was ever-present a few years ago and that Sam Hunt paraded endlessly. Honestly, it's refreshing by Sam Hunt's standards (which aren't very high, but I digress), way to go. I can see why this was picked up for pop radio, it's got a fairly upbeat tone as far as most modern country goes, and Sam Hunt does well to fit that. That's one positive. Are there any other?

     ...nah. The lyrics just plain kill me. The title basically tells you all you need to know. He's comparing this woman's body, the curves especially, to a back road. You know, dirty country roads that no one else travels along because it's easy to get lost and they're only really good for looking at scenery on? But of course, since Sam Hunt is a Country Boy™, he knows that body like the back of his hand. In fact, he's going to go as slow as he can physically make himself. You know what that means, right?

     Sex.

     Why do I keep covering the lousy sex songs? Why can't I get something Marvin Gaye would be proud of? Well, I suppose it's not ALL about sex. There are also lines about how "the way she fit in them blue jeans, she don't need no belt." Don't worry, he can turn them inside out without any help. There's also... stuff about driving around, watching the scenery, enjoying nature... and making out while you do it. Jeez, this song is gross.

     That's my idea of an emotional response for you. It's gross, it's icky, it's uncomfortable. Hey, it feels good to listen to, at least. Overall, this song is about as middle-of-the-road as it gets. I want to rank it lower, but I'm enjoying the production too much. Maybe by the end of the year I'll hate it as much as I want to, but for now, here's a middling, mediocre score. Who knows what I'll cover next time...

SCORE: 5/10

Review: Rockabye (Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul and Anne-Marie

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES who are stuck raising children NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

     I figured I'd cover a more international hit this time around. It's not that none of the songs on the charts are good, it's just that I'd like to cover something that's not as insanely successful in the United States as it is overseas. I think I've found the right song for that.

     This is Rockabye, a bit of dancehall-ish tropical house by British electronic group Clean Bandit, featuring vocals from Jamaican recording artist Sean Paul and British singer and songwriter (but not always a singer-songwriter) Anne-Marie. This song has been absolutely massive internationally (especially in the UK and Australia) yet has only made it into the top 10 very recently because of an iTunes sale. Am I happy it's finally in the Top 10, or do I wish it never crossed over at all? Let's figure that out.

     Well, first off, this is nothing like most of their other material. Clean Bandit tend to like to use lots of classical instruments in their recordings, with each member knowing how to play actual instruments instead of just knowing how to press buttons on a table. I mean, sure, the intro and outro all feature their signature instruments, but this is a lot more... tropical than usual. Yep, it's time for Yet Another Tropical House Song!

     Honestly, I don't try to cover so many tropical house/dancehall-ish pop tracks, it's just what's in right now. Blame Justin Bieber's comeback in 2015. It sounds nice, though I do admit it doesn't feel very inspired. When it comes to the sound department, other Clean Bandit songs just feel a lot better. Rather Be, their last hit, was so much more interesting and fun, and this is just kind of... okay. Good. Decent. Nothing great.

     That's kind of how I'd describe the song as a whole, really. I mean, I guess there's the lyrics? They're about a single mother trying to raise a child, it's tough. That's nice, I guess. But yeah, it's... slightly above average. I really can't think of much else to say, it's just... eh. It's alright. Next time maybe I'll cover a song that brings about a more emotional response in me, but for now... eh. There's this.

SCORE: 6.5/10

Review: I Don't Wanna Live Forever (Zayn and Taylor Swift)

This was a mistake.

     So, the movie Fifty Shades Darker was just recently released. It is the sequel (which no one asked for) to the hit erotic drama Fifty Shades of Grey, a film about a semi-abusive relationship being treated romantically. In the sequel, the two grow closer as people or something, I don't know, I'll never see it. Besides, I'm more interested in the soundtrack. Last year, two top-3 hits came off of that soundtrack. This year, we have a single top-2 hit: I Don't Wanna Live Forever. It's a collaboration between former One Direction member Zayn Malik (or simply Zayn) and former country singer Taylor Swift. How does it hold up, considering how much of a mixed bag last movie's soundtrack was? Let's figure that out for ourselves.

     For now, we'll talk about the sound itself. We can blame Jack Antonoff for the sound on this thing. He's the lead guitarist for Fun, a Grammy Award-winning indie pop-rock act that was briefly popular in 2012 and even more briefly in 2013; the went on hiatus in 2015. Antonoff is the producer of this thing, and one of the three writers (along with Swift and songwriter Sam Dew). When I think about it... boy, this does sound kind of like a Fun song.

     As in, it sounds like a song by the band Fun, and not that the song is in any way fun. That "millennial whoop" in the chorus (God I hate that term), the overblown sound, the trying-too-hard-to-sound-meaningful thing that's always been a problem with indie pop/rock... it's got all of that in an electro-R&B package. Fun could pull that off well; these two cannot.

     You see, Fun have a very theatrical, over-the-top style that makes their problems not so problematic. Fun are, well, fun. This is not fun in the slightest. It's meant to be sad, it's meant to be sultry. Fun were never good at that. They're all about big emotions, not subtlety or romance. Out of production like this I would probably expect something... more. More of what, I don't know. It just feels very empty.

     So yeah, the sound flopped. What about our performers? If you've followed my blog, you probably know that I'm not especially fond of Zayn. His debut album without One Direction was lousy, and the lead single from said album, Pillowtalk, was absolutely abysmal. Here... he's still Zayn. The falsetto is fairly annoying, though I have to admit it's challenging to try and make a falsetto sound good in popular music. As for Taylor Swift... what do you want me to say? It's Taylor Swift. Moving on.

     This is a lyrically boring song, that's for sure. Allow me to summarize the entire song in one sentence: Two former lovers want to get back together. That's basically it. You'd think that in a movie in a franchise famous for the kinky sex (which is, admittedly, rather tame), the soundtrack would be more... sexy. Rather, it tries to focus on the part that no one cares about: The romance. It's sort of related to Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey's relationship at the beginning of the movie. Yes, those are horrible names. It's a horrible franchise, so I wouldn't expect any better. But anyway... actually, never mind. It's not worth trying to dissect this any further.

     So... yeah. I don't wanna live forever, either. This is a bad song, no doubt about it. It's horribly forgettable, horribly expendable, and horribly unsexy. Go ahead and listen to the song if you want, but if you end up hating it... hey, I warned you.

SCORE: 4/10

Review: Bad and Boujee (Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert)

I memed too hard and became depressed. Still don't regret a thing.

I'm sure you kids all know what a meme is. If you don't, then I'm not going to explain it to you. The definition is harder to understand than the word is. So, yeah, kids these days are all about the memes. What's this got to do with music?

To put it simply, memes have impacted the popular world of music for a few years now. Songs like Gangnam Style, Harlem Shake, and The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) that wouldn't have been popular otherwise managed to be successes as a result of the power of memes. Heck, our last number one, Black Beatles, got big as a result of the Mannequin Challenge, a (say it with me) meme. It looks like we've got another one right here.

This is Bad and Boujee, a collaboration between Lawrenceville-based rap group Migos (consisting of cousins Offset, Quavo and Takeoff) and Philadelpha-based rapper Lil Uzi Vert. The production is handled by Metro Boomin (aka Young Metro), a producer and DJ from St. Louis who is best known for having produced various successful rap songs since 2014, including Low Life, Wicked (both by Future, though the first has a chorus by The Weeknd), Father Stretch My Hands pt. 1 (Kanye West ft. Kid Cudi and Kelly Price), and Jumpman (collaboration between Drake and the aforementioned Future). This is a fairly popular song on the Internet right now, with various memes being made off of it. Thanks to these, plus the already-monstrous streaming and sales, this thing managed to top the Billboard Hot 100... you know why I'm here. Let's talk about this.

You can't expect a lot in the lyrics department with trap music. It's all about sex, drugs, and materialistic possessions. These guys are totally happy to be rich and are gonna flaunt it. This is expressed well in the title, Bad and Boujee. The word "Boujee" is a shortening of "bourgeois," which symbolizes the materialistic concerns and lifestyles of these rappers and the many women they know. It's been done before, and it ain't gonna stop anytime soon.

Okay, I'd like to admit something. I'm definitely not the right person to be reviewing this. I have no idea what most of these lyrics mean, I need Genius to understand most of these. There are various references to very specific varieties of drugs and cars, and the song is very-deeply rooted in the trap culture of the southern United States. Honestly, maybe someone who's a member of that scene would appreciate this song a lot more than I would. Then again, they may think it's a very lousy interpretation. Who knows?

Let's talk about my mortal enemy, Metro Boomin. Sometimes he's Young Metro. Sometimes he's just Metro. Either way, he's the producer of this thing. I like to blame this guy for all of my problems, mostly because, well, he hasn't done a whole lot of good work. He's produced some of the most drab, depressing, yet painfully catchy beats I think I've ever heard. Despite this catchiness, the beat still isn't very good. The low, plodding piano with some sort of bell-like sound do not go well together, and not even the drum is enough to save it.

So yeah, I really don't care for this song. It's not bad, per se, but it's definitely not good. It's... mediocre. Below average. It's a song that deserves to be forgotten in five years. That's likely what's going to happen, at least.

SCORE: 4.5/10

BONUS: hate u love u (Olivia O'Brien solo version)

This song should need no introduction if you've been following me for a while. This is i hate u, i love u, a collaboration between American singers Gnash and Olivia O'Brien. Now, you may know that I really like this song; sincerely, I enjoy this song. I even put this in the honorable mentions of my best list. Unfortunately, it seems I'm one of very few who actually shares this sentiment, as after reading and watching various other year-end lists, I am under the assumption that 90% of people hate this song. Why is that?

There's a number of reasons people seem to give. It's depressing an unpleasant. The production is minimal, almost nonexistent. The lyrics are confused, unfocused, and all over the place. The most common complaint I seem to see, however, is the performers, Gnash especially. A lot of the problems people have with the song are a result of the man in the above thumbnail, from his verse contradicting the rest of the song to just plain sounding bored. Well, what if I told you there's a version that's completely void of Gnash's involvement?

This here is the solo version that Olivia O'Brien wrote back in 2015. It's got a new second verse where Gnash's verse would normally be, plus different production. Miraculously, this thing has managed to chart on the Billboard Hot 100 for a single week despite virtually no buzz surrounding it whatsoever. You know what? That's honestly kind of a shame, because this version manages to be better in almost every way. Let's figure out how.

For one, the narrative is tons more focused. When you realize the song takes place from the view of a high school student, and then you cut out Gnash's verse, the lyrics make a whole lot more sense. It's not about two exes, it's one ex's feelings about another. No complications, it's all very simple. It's very raw, very honest.

Plus, there's actual production here. I can't figure out who's producing here, but I'm pretty certain it's not Gnash again. Though the pianos sound somewhat compressed during the choruses, it feels like an actual song at least. The cymbals, the snares, it all works well here for how brief it is. The song just feels bigger the longer it goes on, like it really should.

So yeah, I have very little to say about this. Honestly, if this version had been the hit instead of the Gnash version, it probably would have made the top 10. So, yeah, that's that. The next review's coming up shortly, so stay tuned.

SCORE: 8.5/10