Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017 (with dishonorable mentions)

It's that time of the year!

Yep, that's right, it's list season. As per tradition, the worst must come first. Time to look over some especially bad songs that have gained traction over this past year. We're stretching from the borderline mediocre to the outright garbage today, folks, so you all had better be ready. It's not going to be pretty.

However, first, I'd like to disclose some dishonorable mentions. Seven this year, up from five, mostly because I could come up with more than fifteen songs I actually outright disliked. And as always, I will be basing this list on Billboard's annual Year-End Hot 100 chart, and each song will be paired with its corresponding position on that chart. With that said, let's get on with it.

Starving (Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft. Zedd) (YE Position: #82)

Well, yeah, this is still terrible. Honestly, I just wanted to show this song some mercy by not putting it in the top 10 this year. As for where Heathens is, it's not here. I can at least understand why that song has any sort of appeal now, I'm not even sure I would put that on a worst list anymore. Can't say the same for this. Production is clunky, Hailee's voice is annoying, the drop is awful, the lyrics are lazy... it's not good, and that's about it.

Chained to the Rhythm (Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley) (YE Position: #73)

You tried, Katy Perry. You tried so hard, you made the nicest sounding song on this worst list but you barely got anywhere, and in the end it didn't even matter. I buy Katy Perry as "woke" about as much as I buy that Roy Moore is a champion of women's rights, she just cannot pull this off. It's a song about how using mindless party songs to try and ignore how horrible the world is is a stupid thing to do... and yet Perry here is notorious for making mindless party songs! And no, bringing Bob Marley's grandson will not get you bonus points with anyone. Next.

Scars to Your Beautiful (Alessia Cara) (YE Position: #30)

Gold star for Cara for actually kinda trying. She just doesn't do a very good job of it. Look, if you're going to touch on the dark and nasty aspects of body negativity and positivity (eating disorders, for example), you need more emotion in your voice. I know the idea was that "Yeah, it's bad now, but you don't have to hate yourself, you're beautiful just the way you are," but if you want to lift someone up, have a bit more weight to your words. Don't sound so tired and passive, it makes it sound like you're not totally interested or sincere in your message.

Thunder (Imagine Dragons) (YE Position: #51)

Frankly, I don't think I've ever heard a song that sounds more like a commercial jingle than this one. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Imagine Dragons, transitioning from decent alternative rock to brain-dead synth pop with ear-grating instruments and a shrill voice in the background that's only good for car commercials. It's saddening, and it makes me cry. If you're gonna listen to these guys, just listen to their first album, maybe their second. Third album was awful, don't bother with that one.

Sorry Not Sorry (Demi Lovato) (YE Position: #47)

Former Disney princess Demi Lovato is generally capable of providing some strong hits and big sounds. I, for one, loved Cool For The Summer, so it's honestly kind of sad to see that this is the direction she's taking her career in. I honestly had no idea it was possible to make gospel singers sound annoying, or make Demi sound annoying, or... jeez, it's not even objectively bad, I just find it annoying to listen to. That's probably why it's not even in the top 10, I just can't bring myself to say it's awful, because it really isn't.

Rake It Up (Yo Gotti ft. Nicki Minaj) (YE Position: #53)

I honestly kind of like this song in a "So stupid, it's impossible to hate it" kind of way. Can't really say the song's any good, though. Yo Gotti is one of those rappers who just kind of exists, there's not much that stands out about him except that his voice is kind of doofy. Nicki Minaj has a verse which... just kind of exists. The lyrics are really dirty and really silly, and I can find nothing about this song to take seriously. Still, it's the fun kind of bad, and it could totally be worse.

I'm The One (DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and Lil Wayne) (YE Position: #12)

And here we are. DJ Khaled, the living meme. The guy who let a baby be credited as the executive producer on an album. No, he's not a rapper, he's a producer. He brings people together and tells them what to do. Long lists of featured acts are common for this guy, and... honestly, this sure sounds like it was produced by a baby. Annoying synths? Check. Boring verses? Check. Justin Bieber of all people on the chorus? Check. Add that all together and you get why I'm sad that nothing else that Chance The Rapper has ever done has cracked the top 40. I would've totally put No Problem on last year's best list, Coloring Book was amazing... come on. Just let me have something from you that's actually good, Chance. Please.

And with that, we're done with our honorable mentions. Now comes the hard part. The real true garbage. You all know what to expect. Get ready to hate yourself, it's gonna get messy.

10. Bad Things (Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello) (YE Position: #41)

Rule 1 of making pop songs: Don't sample Fastball. Rule 2 or making pop songs: Don't sample Fastball. I get it, Fastball is a thing that exists, they were a two-hit wonder (The Way and Out of My Head were their hits, by the way), they used to be popular. I just doubt that most of your audience is going to remember them. Out of My Head is the name of the song being sampled here, and wow, this is misaimed. First, it's trashy pop rap from a guy who can do way better and has proven they can do way better. Second, the person singing the sampled lyrics is former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello, most famous for her breakout Havana single that came out a few months ago. This is worse than that, clearly. The worst thing about it by far is, again, the Fastball sample on the chorus. "I never mean to do bad things to you" becomes "I only wanna do bad things to you," making it abundantly clear that whoever thought the sample was a good idea just didn't care. Something about pain and pleasure? I don't care. This song is lousy.

9. Juju On That Beat (TZ Anthem) (Zay Hilfigerrr & Zayion McCall) (YE Position: #63)

Easy targets make for easy lists. Case in point, here's an easy target. Two bratty teenagers make a dumb dance song and base it off of a Crime Mob sample. Also, fun fact, Zay Hilfigerrr is the youngest person by birth date to land a top 10 hit in the United States, even younger than Lil Pump. Does it excuse this song being terrible? No, but it's clear the pair weren't really trying to make anything good. This was popular on total accident, and it doesn't seem the two have any plans whatsoever to follow it up. If anything, it's his slightly older companion Zayion McCall with the worse lyrics, even in spite of Hilfigerrr calling my dad ugly. McCall only has one successful rhyme throughout his whole verse, and "if you compare me and you, then there would be no comparings" is one of the worst lyrics in anything that came out this year (yes, even worse than that "Who can relate? Whoo!" in that one suicide prevention song Logic did). Frankly, if you're gonna listen to something like this, just listen to Rolex by Ayo and Teo, they did the "dumb dance song that only exists for the dance" thing far better even in spite of barely being actual rappers. On to the next one.

8. Don't Wanna Know (Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar) (YE Position: #38)

First of all, this video's easily the most dated and awful of the entire year and I hate it. Second, the video doesn't have Lamar's verse so it's even more boring. It's honestly kind of magical how Lamar manages to be so amazing on his solo work yet can put out some of the most extraordinarily uninteresting guest verses one can find. But yeah, the rest of the song is terrible too. Adam Levine refuses to hit his highest notes, which is a blessing in disguise, but the rest of his delivery is tired and lacking in energy. If you're going to go for the bitter subject matter, at least sound more bitter instead of sounding like you just woke up and forgot to drink your coffee. Sound more bitter, sound more upset, have more emotion. The production is too bubbly to carry that subject matter, but not bubbly enough to be properly dissonant. Dissonance can be good if there's enough of it, and there just isn't here. It's dull, it's lazy and overall a waste of time.

7. Body Like A Back Road (Sam Hunt) (YE Position: #8)

No, this song never got a music video. Here's the lyric video. Yes, it was the eighth biggest song of the year. Let me be honest with you, I don't feel the same anger that a lot of people do for this song, but... I think I finally get it. I get why this is awful, I get why people have such a strong hatred for it. It's the title. You have a body like a back road. Coarse, rough, unpopular, dirty, unkempt, covered in greenery, and overall a bad time for anyone who isn't either a redneck or a hipster. I'm no redneck, I'm no hipster, why would I want anyone comparing me to a back road?! It's not like the rest of the song helps, the fact that it reminds me of a particularly bad Uncle Kracker song does not help. For the record, no, there will not be any country music on the best list. I'm not a huge fan of the genre as a whole, but this is just awful in its own right.

6. Fake Love (Drake) (YE Position: #37)
https://open.spotify.com/track/343YBumqHu19cGoGARUTsd

(no music video exists because Drake; go listen to it on Spotify or something, here's a link that I'm praying works)

So, Drake was a complete and total disappointment this year. No surprise, really, I blame oversaturation. He had a few good songs, but overall More Life was kind of lame. This is one of the worst cuts off of that album by the way, it's lousy. So, this is supposed to be a song about fake friends leeching off of your success. Perfectly fine. Just one question: Could you sound any less obnoxious, please? If you can't tell, the main thing that ticks me off about a song is when it annoys me. If it annoys me, then I can't find any enjoyment in it, even in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way. This isn't the fun kind of bad, it's just horribly mediocre, with a surprisingly lame beat and Drake sounding the worst he's ever sounded. It's a magical kind of bad that one has to experience to believe, it's almost entertaining. You know what's not entertaining? Number 5.

5. I Don't Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker) (Zayn & Taylor Swift) (YE Position: #26)

This is the only noteworthy song the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack produced. Not noteworthy in a good way, clearly, but noteworthy. This is officially the most basic, mediocre pop song of 2017. Nothing competes, nothing is more unmemorably bad than this. There's nothing particularly awful here, but at the same time, I could think of literally zero good things about it. At the end of the day, I feel like having no good is worse than having a few awful moments with a little bit of good. You have Zayn's awful falsetto, Taylor's complete non-presence, the production from Jack Antonoff (who, by the way, is most definitely capable of making good music) is lousy... above all else, it's a song from a dirty, sleazy movie that can't even bother to feel like it belongs in that movie. At least the first film had a catchy yet undeniably dirty pop ballad and sleazy R&B that, even if they weren't the best songs... at least they fit the movie. This can't even achieve that.

4. Tunnel Vision (Kodak Black) (YE Position: #55)

Behold, the absolute worst thing to come out of the trap boom. This... thing. Kodak Black is the stage name of Dieuson Octave, notable for being arrested for or accused of various crimes, ranging from robbery to battery and sexual misconduct. He also has a horrible voice that no one should have to listen to more than once per day, or even once per week. On top of that, we have lyrics that seem to be all over the place. Like, the general idea is that the police system treats him and others like him unfairly, yet he shows no remorse for the crimes he seems to admit to have done and practically brags about his substance abuse. Further still is the beat that would be good on literally anything else, with what appears to be a recreation of a song by Chilean folk group Inti-Illimani (because why not) hidden in there, and it doesn't even fit the tone of the track. I can only guess why the producers went for that one. Overall, it's terrible, next.

3. do re mi (Blackbear) (YE Position: #98)

This is the remix with Gucci Mane, by the way. The original didn't have Gucci and was way worse, I'd probably put the remix at like #10 or #9 or something, if only because his verse is actually pretty good. But hey, here we are. I was hoping this wouldn't make the list, but hey, this is just an excuse to tear this piece of garbage a new one. I'll take it. Anyway, where do we even begin with this? The verses aren't... totally terrible? No, the problem here is mainly the chorus. The absolute worst chorus on the list, even worse than the bottom two. The only reason this is above the bottom two is because of those verses, which are only slightly below average. Still, that chorus is a special kind of bad. Obnoxious, petty, trying and failing to be catchy, the list goes on. It's a song about telling a self-centered and conceited ex to **** off, so you'd think you'd want to make the protagonist likeable, right? That's not what's happening here. He's just as annoying and self-centered as the ex he's complaining about, as far as I can tell. If you want an example of how to completely fail to make you care about someone's struggles, this is it.

2. Issues (Julia Michaels) (YE Position: #29)

Do you know how many times I heard this on the radio? Too many. The best thing about this song is making fun of it on long car rides. Julia Michaels is one of the most consistently bad songwriters in modern pop, she's made very little good material (and if she has, it's most certainly not her writing that makes it good). All of your staple Julia Michaels tropes are here, from awkward wordplay to bad singing to rather unfortunate metaphors and lyrics with rather disturbing implications. So many things that I couldn't begin to go into detail on... oh my God, it's awful, it's awful. You have Julia Michaels herself, who sounds like she got kicked in the stomach and is now trying to catch her breath. Speaking of that, we have a couple that seems borderline abusive to each other, you have to wonder who the real crazy one is here. This is probably the least healthy relationship I've ever heard described in a mainstream pop song. It's legitimately unpleasant, and I never wanna hear it again.

1. Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift) (YE Position: #39)

Here it is. Nuclear waste in music form. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure whether to go with this one or Issues for the number one spot, but I figured... one-hit wonder that no one's gonna remember in five years, or world-famous Taylor Swift trashing her own image for the sake of unfunny satire? I'll go with the unfunny satire. Nothing about this song works in any meaningful way. There is no cohesion, none of the million elements go well together. Sure, I can buy she made it this grating and terrible on purpose, but why would she do that? Was she just trying to rip off Kendrick Lamar's Humble, which was also about embracing the horrible things the right-leaning media (specifically Fox News) has said about him and becoming the cartoonish villain they painted him as? Probably not, but hey, it's fun to imagine. Why not, I mean he took the complete dumpster fire that was Bad Blood and made it at least partially salvagable. No, I think Taylor just listened to Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus or Kesha and said "Hey, sounding different is possible, let's try and sound different." And different ended up sounding like... well, a dumpster fire.

So, congratulations, Taylor Swift. You did it. Worst hit song of 2017. Don't congratulate yourself, please, never play this song live. Accept that this was a mistake and move on. I know I will. Next time I'm gonna be reading off my favorites. Stay tuned.

Review: Gucci Gang by Lil Pump

This'll be quick.

Okay, you're all probably wondering what the heck this song is. Here's as brief a summary as I can give.

Gazzy Garcia. He's born in August of 2000. He begins rapping in 2016 at the suggestion of his friend Omar Pineiro, better known as Smokepurpp, known as one of the biggest names in the Soundcloud-based rap scene of south Florida. Garcia begins to go by Lil Pump. Garcia starts putting up music, each song individually gaining well over a million streams. He goes on his first tour performances. He puts out two new singles, D. Rose and Boss. There are over 70 million combined streams between the two on Soundcloud alone. He begins working on his debut mixtape before he even turns 17. He then puts out a new single two weeks after his 17th birthday. It's Gucci Gang. It begins to chart. Then the mixtape drops, it's self-titled. It charts at #3 on the Billboard 200 albums chart, and reviews aren't totally terrible. Gucci Gang suddenly grows in popularity. A music video is released. The song reaches the top 10 in Canada and the United States. Here we are today.

Yep, this is a bit of a mess. This is a song that would get big in no other time in history but 2017 thanks to the absolute boom in popularity trap music has experienced. Then again, this guy is younger than me and he's in the top 10. Many of his contemporaries don't even make the top 20, there has to be something to this. I need to get to the bottom of this. Brace yourselves, this ride is gonna get bumpy.

Yes, he is selling lean and walking a tiger at a high school. What's stopping him?

First of all, you need to know something before you try to understand Lil Pump's music. You aren't supposed to understand it, there is no deeper meaning. Bling and b****es is the name of the game here, toss in some copious drug use and expensive clothes and you have yourself a typical Lil Pump song. The formula does not change whatsoever here; I mean, why would it? It's got him this far. Now that you understand what this song is about, let's actually talk about it. 

Wordplay isn't too horribly clever here. First of all, the title refers to Lil Pump's circle of friends, including the aforementioned Smokepurpp. They probably call themselves Gucci Gang because of their affinity for the Gucci brand of clothing. Other things Lil Pump says he likes include chains, Balmain jeans, Louboutin's, and doing prescription drugs, and dislikes WestJet and people who smoke cigarettes. It's something of a character study if you really want to think of it like that. It's really too short to even do that, though; the song is literally just an intro, then a chorus, then a verse, then the chorus again, and it's over.

Is there a saving grace here? Well, I like the production, I guess? It's not totally interesting, but I enjoy the percussion, and the piano's still stuck in my head as of writing. It... it exists, alright. Okay, what do you want me to say? It's Gucci Gang. I just like listening to it. It's hot garbage, sure, but I like listening to it.

Overall... yeah. the above few sentences pretty much summarizes my feelings on this song. It exists, it's terrible, but I like it anyway. Does that mean I'm going to give it a good score? No, but it means you won't be seeing it on 2018's year end lists, more than likely. Not sure when my 2000 project is coming out, but it's getting worked on.

SCORE: 5.5/10